Insanity As It Plays
by Neko-chan4
Summary: What would a show based around Team Rocket's adventures be like? One crazy misadventure after another, that's what! With a cast of original characters, plus our favorite bumbling trio and returning favs, "Insanity" is sure to keep you laughing! R/R
1. FORWARD

The fic that started it all…

Insanity As It Plays

By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson

 * Foreword *

For those of you who've read the series, no need to bother again—this is nothing new.  The reason for this minor "revamping" is due to the fact that I became aware of some "newbies" reading the sequel series _Insanity As It Plays 2: It's Double Trouble! and wanted to make sure they knew where this was all coming from.  Of course, those interested could always go to my profile and redirect themselves to the original, but most readers are too lazy for that, and I'm aware of that.  So why not make it all spiffy and new, so that it's already screaming them in the face for them to read when they look up the new fics?  So that's what I did._

So for those of you familiar with the more recently completed Insanity 2, this is where it all started.  You get to meet Neko, Galaxia, E. Bear, and all the other originals right from the start, as well as some characters which never appeared in the sequel (such as Lesbian Seagull, the perverted pizza boy, and all the psychotic Nurse Joys—just to mention a few…) You also get to see how an actual plotline developed over time, whereas this first season was mostly a collection of mishaps and insane adventures after another (not that that's not fun.)

I invite you to read on and enjoy; to delve into the insanity that works away at my fragile mind. 

And to try not to trip on the plot holes along the way.

* * * * *

Disclaimer: You know I don't own them.  Because if I did, I'd be rich.  So I'm not going to bother.  Sue me if you want, but you wouldn't really have grounds because I am in no way making profit off of this.  ($2 per copy, please.  ^_^)

Rating: PG-13

Apology & Shameless Groveling: I admit.  Not an original idea.  But I will give credit.  Sforzie, (don't hurt me!!), I got the idea for this 'series' from you and your "The Team Rocket Show" series of silly stories.  It's a really great series (for anyone who hasn't read it—please do so I can make up for my slight plagiarism by advertising her writing) and it inspired me to turn me and my best bud's fun notes to each other into actual fanfics.

Summary: A collection of stories (episodes) focusing on my best friend Kasi (Galaxia) and my adventures with Team Rocket, plus some other characters from former fanfics of mine.  This series is mostly for personal enjoyment, but I hope that maybe the rest of you can enjoy it as well.

Author's Note: Sanity is only what you make of it…


	2. Episode 1: Pads with Wings Really Do Fly...

(5/29/00) Episode #1: Pads with Wings Really _Do Fly…_

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN: multi-personalitied otaku friend of Jess and James; James' best bud but fights with him a lot

GALAXIA: Neko's best bud who hangs out with Jess a lot; seemingly a 'dumb blonde' but with a disturbingly violent temperament

CHAN-SAW: the leader of the psycho Chanseys from "A Regular Day At TR's Pad"; often-found scheming twisted plots with Neko and Galaxia

ARBOK 

WEEZING

VICTREEBELL

EVIL BEAR-MON:** cute bear-like creature of Neko's that she _insists is a Pokémon; not evil_**

EVIL HOUSE-MON: ever-enduring hallucination of Galaxia's; is evil…well…if it were _real…_

plus some psycho GROCERY STORE MANAGER****

**Scene I**

(James is sitting on the front stoop of TR's Pad)

JAMES: Sitting, sitting…

…

bored…bored…

…

…there is a dai-sy on my toe, it is not real, it does not grow.  It's just a fra-gment of a flower, that I can see, when I'm in the shower…doo dee doo

(Jesse walks by, double takes, then turns back)

JESSE: James, what are you doing?  And what's that about showers?

JAMES: Nothing.  Sitting.  Singing.  (jumps up and breaks into song) TRA LA LAAAAA!!!!!!

JESSE:** (blinks) James, are your underwear on backwards again?**

JAMES: (looks down his pants) No.

JESSE:** Just checking.  (walks off to wherever she was going in the first place)**

JAMES:** Don't leave me here alone!!  I need adult supervision!!**

(Neko and Galaxia walk up to the porch with Evil Bear-mon and large bags of unidentifiable groceries)

NEKO:** What's that about 'supervision'?  James, are your underwear on backwards again?**

GALAXIA:** You should really stop dressing in the dark.  I'm not buying you anymore Elmo Band-Aids.**

JAMES:** No.  That's not it.  I'm just reeeeeeeeaaaaaalllyyyyyy booooooooooorrrrreeeeeedddd!!!**

NEKO & GALAXIA:** Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!**

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeeeeevvviiiiiillll…!

NEKO: No, we can _not have a Jell-O-shots party.  Now help me eat the groceries._

JAMES:** (super happy) YOU FINALLY BOUGHT GROCERIES?!?!!!!!  (dives on Neko in intense hunger, tearing apart paper bags and plastic wrapping with lightning speed)**

GALAXIA:** I told you we have to buy groceries more often than once a month.**

NEKO: I just didn't think it was worth shopping for them with only five dollars and some pocket lint. Help me subdue him before he eats the sanitary napkins.

GALAXIA:** Okay.**

(As Neko and Galaxia attempt to wrest the toiletries from James—Evil Bear-mon just sits on the porch eating the plastic wrapping off of snack foods—Arbok, Weezing, and Victreebell burst into the clearing and dive on the three humans and strewn groceries like a trio of purple, green, and yellow vacuums)

ARBOK:** CHAAAAAA!!!!  [Translation: FOOOOOD!!!]**

WEEZING: Whee!!  [Trans: Wrappers!!]

VICTEEBELL:** EEEEEE!!!  [Trans: JAMES' HEAD!!]  (promptly attempts to swallow James' head)**

Galaxia:** DON'T EVER ASK ME TO DO THE GROCERIES WITH YOU AGAIN, NEKO!!!**

Scene II 

**(Jesse walks up to find a jumbled heap of humans, Pokémon, and strewn remains of groceries sprawled across the lawn)**

JESSE:** Oh.  Today was grocery day.**

NEKO: (painfully) Yeah…

JAMES:** …eep…Ooh, saltines!**

GALAXIA:** (cries pitifully) Is there no God?!**

(Meowth comes out of the house and hops happily off the porch, apparently unaware of everyone)

MEOWTH:** Do I smell food?**

JAMES:** (hugging the crumbled, soggy remains of saltines to his chest) They're mine!!**

NEKO:** We're all out of food.  James ate it all.**

JAMES:** …did not…(shoves the rest of the crackers into his mouth before anyone can object)**

GALAXIA:** (irritated) He even ate the toiletries!**

JESSE:** (paling) But we're out of pads.**

NEKO:** Duh!  That's why I went shopping!**

JESSE:** Excuse me.  (walks off into the woods and the sound of loud profanities can be heard)**

JAMES: I thought they were those Valentine Little Debbie cakes!

(Neko whacks him over the head)

JAMES:** But I did!!**

(Galaxia whacks him over the head)

JAMES:** OW!!  Would everyone stop whacking me over the head?!**

(Neko, Galaxia, Evil Bear-mon, and the Pokémon all whack him over the head.  Then Victreebell tries to eat it again)

JAMES:** Mmmpphh!!!**

MEOWTH:** Let go of his head, ya overgrown salad!  I didn't get ta whack it yet.**

(Jesse comes back, noticeably calmer)

JESSE:** Well, we are now conveniently out of food and all necessary bathroom items due to James' pig-headedness!  As soon as Victreebell's done sucking the flavor out of his hair, let me whack him, okay?**

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeevviiiill?

JESSE:** (ticked) WHAT?!  You perverted little bear, I do not get sexual pleasure out of whacking James in the head!!**

(Neko and Galaxia burst out laughing from their dirty imaginations)

JESSE: EEW!!  You two are sick!!  I didn't mean it that way!!

EVIL BEAR-MON:** Eeevil, eeevvviiilll, eviiiill…**

JESSE:** (gasp) Where did you hear that?!**

(Neko and Galaxia turn purple from laughing.  Then they stop breathing, their eyes bug out of their heads, and Meowth and Arbok have to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation)

EVIL BEAR-MON:** (shrug) Evil…**

JESSE:** And the contractors told me those doors were soundproof!  (smacks her forehead)**

GALAXIA:** Wow that was a really long tongue?  I wonder what it would be like to make-out with a snake?**

ARBOK: (sweat drop) Chaaa…

NEKO:** Mah mouf ish all fwurry!!  Pwah!!**

MEOWTH:** DON'T EVER STOP BREATHING AGAIN!!!**

JAMES: I'm glad Victreebell's don't have saliva…

(Jesse whacks him.  Then Meowth does so too)

JESSE:** Now you have to go buy us more groceries, you pig!!**

GALAXIA:** Including feminine products!**

JAMES:** I don't want to be seen in the tampon aisle!!**

NEKO:** Not tampons—pads!**

GALAXIA:** With wings!**

JESSE:** Non-scented.**

EVIL BEAR-MON:** Eeeevvil.**

NEKO: You don't use pads, dumb-ass!  But get the variety pack like it said, James.

JAMES:** (wimpy whining) Why do I have to live in a house full of women?!**

GALAXIA: (all smiley happy) Because you're so damn attractive!

NEKO: (yelling from the porch) I WANT YOUR SEXY BODY, JAMES!!!

JESSE:** (irritated) Quit teasing him, damnit!**

MEOWTH: She's just saying that cuz _she wants his body…_

JESSE: (punching Meowth in the head) Shut up, cat!! (shoves James and hands him a super long list that stretches across the lawn and disappears into the trees) Now go buy our food and pads!

MEOWTH: And catnip.  I'm out.

JESSE:** You're always out.  Since when do you eat catnip?**

GALAXIA:** (horrified) Since he got attacked by that horrible Evil House-mon!!**

MEOWTH:** (sighs) Not that stupid house-thingie-majigger again…**

NEKO:** There's no such thing as an Evil House-mon, Galaxia.  Now get in the house before you hurt yourself.**

JESSE:** Or I hurt you.**

NEKO:** Either one.**

GALAXIA:** But I saw it!!  It was real!!  And it tried to kill me!!**

JAMES:** I-i-it d-did…?!**

GALAXIA:** You have to believe me!!  It will kill us all!!**

JAMES:** WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!?!!**

GALAXIA:** (viciously) RUN IT OVER!!!  EVIL HOUSE-MON SHOULD _DIE!!!_**

EVIL BEAR-MON:** E-eevil…**

NEKO:** That was a cruel thing to say!  Maybe I think _you should die!_**

JESSE:** MAYBE YOU SHOULD ALL JUST DIE AND SHUT-THE-HELL-UP AND JAMES SHOULD GET THE DAMN GROCERIES!!!!!!!!**

GALAXIA:** Good idea.**

JAMES:** (panics) But what if I run into Evil House-mon on the way?!**

JESSE:** Here.  Take this penknife to protect you.**

JAMES:** Thanks, Jesse.**

Scene III 

**(It's nearly dawn of the next day and James is leaving the grocery store with 3 carts full of grocery bags)**

JAMES:** My eyes…glued open…world…tipping…**

(Loud motor sound is heard coming down the street)

JAMES:** AAAGGGGHHH, IT'S THE EVIL HOUSE-MON AND IT'S GONNA' EAT ME AND I'M GONNA' BE DEAD AND THEN WE'LL NEVER GET TO EAT THE GROCERIES!!!!!!**

(The sound comes closer and turns out to be Chan-saw playing with her chainsaw in the street)

JAMES:** (loud obnoxious sighing) Oh, good.  It's only Chan-saw.**

CHAN-SAW:** CHAN!!!  CHAN-sey, CHANSEY!!**

JAMES:** No, you can not test your chainsaw on my shopping carts.**

CHAN-SAW:** (beginning to cry) Chaaaann…**

JAMES:** Because I need them to carry the groceries home.**

CHAN-SAW:** (lip quiver) Sey…?**

JAMES:** (shocked) I can't carry all of these by myself!!  (pause) You can chop them when I'm done with them, though.**

(Chan-saw begins jumping up and down in excitement, revving her chainsaw)

CHAN-SAW:** Chansey, chansey, CHAN!!**

(Obese man, face livid with rage rushes out of the store waving a shotgun at the crazy Chansey)

STORE MANAGER:** YOU MOTHER-*beep*IN PINK PIECE OF SEWER FILTH!!!  I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM MY SHOPPING CARTS!!!**

CHAN-SAW:** (eyes bugging out of her head in terror) CHAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!  (runs off in a whir of legs and smoke, the manager hot on her tail and firing at random with the shot-gun; he misses horribly every time)**

(James blinks, then runs off with the high-jacked carts before the manager can get back)

JAMES:** Bringing home the groceries, tra, la, la!**

(Suddenly trips over a large rock and goes flying on his face.  The shopping carts fly out of his hands and down a steep hill)

JAMES:** Oh…(gasp) SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!**

(Chan-saw jumps on his head still running away from the irate store manager.  Then she trips over her own feet on the steep hill and tumbles down it straight into the 3 carts, sending the bags flying into the air)

CHAN-SAW:** SEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! (splatters into a nearby building)**

JAMES:** NOOOOOO!!!!!  THE GROCERIES!!!!!!!!!!  (watches them sail in slow motion over the woods below with great fascination)  Jesse's going to kill me.**

Scene IV 

**(A sudden rain of groceries and feminine pads falls on the front lawn while everyone watches emotionlessly from the porch, still waiting for James to return from the grocery store)**

JESSE:** (pause) You're sure his underwear aren't on backwards?**

GALAXIA:** (confused) He said they weren't…**

NEKO:** I'll go get the Ritalin.**

MEOWTH:** Don't bother.  (a bottle of the pills hits him on the head)**

END EPISODE ONE 

NOTES

The whole concept of Evil Bear-mon and Evil House-mon came about when my sister and I were making fun of the concept of _Digimon—how all the little digital creatures were just the names of animals or things with the suffix "-mon" attached to the end.  We had seen some episodes with an evil bear Digimon, and therefore dubbed it "Evil Bear-mon".  In another episode, there was some giant, evil Digimon which looked disturbingly like a house, so again, hence the name.  Although Evil Bear-mon isn't large or evil at all, I decided to keep the name, just as a joke._

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

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	3. Episode 2: When The Whole World's on NoD...

(5/30/00—5/31/00) **Episode #2: When the Whole World's on NoDoze**

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

PIZZA GUY who nobody called 

LESBIAN SEAGULL: strange friend of Neko and Galaxia; finds her name very controversial since she is not really gay

EVIL BEAR-MON

CHAN-SAW

a super-hyper, pill-popping NURSE JOY

some KID and his GROWLITHE

and reference to Lisa Ling and the magazine TokyoPop

Scene I 

**(James and Neko-chan are sitting on the front porch, chins in hands looking incredibly bored)**

JAMES: If a plane crashed on the border between the United States and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?

NEKO: Um…Hey, stupid!  You can't bury survivors!  They're not dead yet!

JAMES: No fair!  You figured it out too fast!! (mopes)

NEKO: (confused) You mean that was the answer?  (thinks a bit) You must have said it wrong.  Okay, here's one you'll never get!  A certain Mr. Smith and his son Arthur were driving to the store together when they got in a car crash.  Mr. Smith was instantly killed but his son Arthur was immediately rushed to the hospital.  When they got him to the emergency room, the old surgeon looked at him and said, "I can't operate on him—he's my son, Arthur."  (smug) Explain _that one!_

JAMES: (intensely confused) Explain what? Why she wouldn't operate or why her husband died but her son didn't?

NEKO: (ticked) No, moron!  You're suppose to explain how the surgeon and Mr. Smith could both say Arthur was their son, but you just did when you said that the surgeon was a woman!

JAMES: (still lost) What does the surgeon being a woman have to do with that?

NEKO: (getting anger marks) She's his mom, you half-wit!!

JAMES: Whose mom?

NEKO: ARTHUR'S, DUMMY!!!

JAMES: Arthur who?

(Neko shakes with frustration at his density momentarily, then calms)

NEKO: Let's do something else.

JAMES: Fine with me.  All these riddles are making my head hurt…

NEKO: (trying not to snap) Okay.  Hmmm…Wanna' see what happens when you put the toaster on Super-Crispie-Crunchie-Burnt'nBlack?

JAMES: (bored sigh) I already did that.  All it did was burn the toast and make a really bad smell.

NEKO: Damn.  No flames?

JAMES: Nope.

(Suddenly a loud scream of rage and fright comes from the house)

JESSE: (from inside the house) WHO PUT THE TOASTER ON SUPER-CRISPIE-CRUNCHIE-BURNT'NBLACK?!?!!!!

JAMES: (terrified) Let's go somewhere else!!

NEKO: (getting out of there as fast as she can, followed closely by James) That sounds like a good idea…

(Jesse stomps out onto the porch wearing an oven mitt and holding a charred, flaming piece of bread in a pair of tongs, followed by Galaxia.  Both are covered in soot)

JESSE: JAMES!!!!  I KNOW IT WAS YOU!!!  AS SOON AS I FIND YOU, YOU ARE _DEAD MEAT, MAN!!!!_

GALAXIA: (weak cough) My toast…(looks crushed)

JAMES: (to Neko from a nearby tree) I guess it doesn't work until the second try.

NEKO: YAY!  THERE WAS FLAMES!

MEOWTH: Hey, get out of my tree, James!

JAMES: (almost falling out as he spots Meowth on the branch above him) Meowth, what are you doing in a tree?!

MEOWTH: (irritated sigh) Hiding from dat Evil House-thingie majiggy!

NEKO: Oh, hell!  Now Galaxia's got you believing in that bullshit, too?

MEOWTH: (pissed) Hey, so I was wrong!  It _is real—I saw it with my own two eyes.  And it tried killing Evil Bear-mon and me!_

JAMES: (looking nervous) W-where is it now?

NEKO: (super sarcastic) Playing croquet with the pink elephants and garden fairies!

MEOWTH: Oh shut da hell up!  I did too see it, you bitter old cat!

JAMES: We have to save the garden fairies!!  What if Evil House-mon tries to eat them?!

NEKO: (throws a pinecone at him) Oh, shut up, moron and let's get out of these stupid trees!  I've got sap in my hair!

JAMES: Eew, I hate sap.

MEOWTH: It's in your hair, too.

JAMES: (starts crying) EEEW, GET IT OOOUUUUUTTTT!!!!

(Meowth falls off his branch from the volume and lands in a tumbled heap at the foot of the tree)

MEOWTH: (dazed silly) Ooh!  Look, swirlies!!  Du-huh…

NEKO: Maybe he'll stop believing in evil people-eating houses now.

JAMES: Um…(loses his balance from peering down at Meowth and lands on top of him)

NEKO: Am I the only one here who can keep her grip on the damn branch?!

(Chan-saw suddenly pops out of nowhere and chops her branch off with her chainsaw)

CHAN-SAW: Chansey, chan!

NEKO: (also dazed on the ground) I don't wanna' go ta school today, mommy…the other kids are mean to me…

Scene II 

**(Jesse and Galaxia are soaking in two of the mongo tubs in the TR bathhouse)**

GALAXIA: (pouring bottles and bottles of perfumes and smelly stuff in her water) Jesse, I used fifty-two bottles of perfumes and bath beads and I still smell like burnt toast!!

JESSE: Maybe you smelled like toast before the toaster tried to start the kitchen on fire.

GALAXIA: Oh.  (suddenly understanding) Hey, that was mean!

JESSE: Oh, quit whining!

GALAXIA: Make me, @#%&$!!  (sticks her tongue out at Jesse)

(Jesse throws a hair brush at her and hits her in the head with it)

GALAXIA: OW!!  Stupid *mumble mumble*…

JESSE: What was that?

GALAXIA: (sweetly innocent) Nothing…(under breath) Go fall off a cliff!

PIZZA BOY: (pops up in the bathhouse window) Pizza!

GIRLS: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (hastily cover themselves)

JESSE: PERVERT!!!  WE'RE BATHING!!!!

GALAXIA: (squealing) EEEWWW!!!!  YOU NASTY SICKO!!!

PIZZA BOY: Well maybe if you're going to bath naked you should close and shutter your windows.

GALAXIA: Well, we…Oh, @#$% you!!

PIZZA BOY: Jesus, are you always this violent?!

GALAXIA: Come in here and let me strangle you, you stupid jerk!!

JESSE: (to pizza boy) Not really.

GALAXIA: NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M RUNNING YOU OVER WITH MY CAR!!!!

JESSE: Galaxia, you don't have a car.

GALAXIA: I DON'T CARE!!  I'M STILL GONNA' DO IT!!

PIZZA BOY: Um, could somebody just pay me for the damn pizza so I can leave?  I mean, you girls are both frickin' hot 'n all, but I think I'd like to make it out of here alive.

GALAXIA: EEP, WE'RE NAKED!!!!  (throws the fifty-two bottles into her bath and hides behind the mountain they make)

JESSE: Yep, we've already established that, Galaxia.

PIZZA BOY: You have nice boobs.

JESSE: Thank you.  (pissed) DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO GET LOST, BUSTER?!!

PIZZA BOY: No.

JESSE: Well I am now!!  GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!!  NO ONE ORDERED A PIZZA AND NO ONE'S GOING TO PAY YOU FOR IT!!!

PIZZA BOY: (leaves, muttering under breath) Cheap bastards…

Scene III 

**(Neko, James, Meowth, and Evil Bear-mon are at a donut shop in town)**

JAMES: No!!  You stole the last custard filled!!

NEKO: Did not!  It was mine all along!

JAMES: (trying to wrestle the donut from her) Give it back, @#$%&!!

NEKO: No way, #@$%^&*!!  I beat you to it fair 'n square!!  Leggo!!

JAMES: You leggo!!

NEKO: No, you!!

(Continue their vicious tug-of-war with the donut, growling profanities at each other the whole time)

MEOWTH: (just finishing off his sixth pot of straight black coffee) Whydon'tyoutwostopfightingoverthedamndonutandbuymesomemorecoffee?!!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil.  Eee-evil, eevil.

MEOWTH: IhaveNOThadtoomuchcoffeeyoustupidtalkingbear!!  BuymeanotherpotorI'llhurtyoudamnit!!!

JAMES: (still fighting with Neko) You ate the last custard donut!!  This one's rightfully mine!!

NEKO: (whiny) But I LOVE the custard-filled kind!!

JAMES: (just as whiny) But so do I!!

MEOWTH: Coffeecoffee, needmorecoffee!!!!  (begins to run around the table at the speed of light, creating a whirlwind of sugar packets and creamers that James and Neko fail to notice, so engrossed in their argument are they)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eviiiil…(shakes head sadly and takes another sip of its coffee)

MEOWTH: GIVEMECOFFEENOW, DAMNIT!!!!  (accidentally jumps on the donut James and Neko are fighting over, squirting the two with custard filling)

JAMES: (eyes wobbling) My custard donut!!!

NEKO: (similarly about to cry) You KILLED it!!!

BOTH: (bursting into tears) WAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

MEOWTH: Ohshutupandbuymeanotherpotofcoffeeyoudonutscarfingfreaks!!

NEKO: (still crying) Don't call James a freak!  (punches the cat, then lays her head down on the table and cries some more)

JAMES: (still crying as well) Neko's not a freak! (kicks Meowth off the table then joins Neko in mourning their donut)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eee…??  (sigh) E-viiil! (jumps down from the booth and leaves the three to their weird selves)

(Lesbian Seagull enters the donut shop.  An expression of…disturbance, comes over her at the sight of Neko and James flooding the booth with their loud obnoxious crying and Meowth lying on the floor catching the remains of Evil Bear-mon's abandoned coffee in his open mouth as it drips off the edge of the table)

MEOWTH: Cooooo-ffeeeeeee….mmmmmm…

SEAGULL: Oooh-kay…Hi, guys…

JAMES & NEKO: (pausing from their sobbing) Hi, Seagull…  (start crying again)

SEAGULL: I don't think I really want a donut anymore…

MEOWTH: (starts crying) I'm all out of co-ffeeeeee!!!!

SEAGULL: (leaning on the back of the trio's booth) Hey, James!  Neko!  Chill.  What the hell are you two crying about, anyway?

BOTH: Meowth squashed my donut!!! (both glare at each other suddenly, ceasing their crying)

JAMES: _Your donut?!  It was __my donut!!_

NEKO: Nu-_uh!!_

SEAGULL: Oh, brother…Guys, if you both shut up right now, I'll buy you both another donut.

JAMES: (really happy) REALLY??

NEKO: (clasping her hands together happily and leaning her head on Seagull angelically) I LOVE YOU!!

JAMES: (also sucking up) ME TO-OO!!

SEAGULL: (looking sick) Ew.  Lay off the NoDoze!

MEOWTH: (latching onto Seagull's leg and looking up at her through big, dewy eyes) Will you buy me more coffee, too?

SEAGULL: (dryly) If you let go of my leg.

MEOWTH: YAYYAY, COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!!!!!!  (runs off in a whir of fur and legs; possibly to the bathroom)

SEAGULL: (thoughtful) I really shouldn't have given him that stuff I found in the bottom of my underwear drawer…

JAMES: (incredulous) You gave Meowth 'mystery stuff'?!!

SEAGULL: Well it didn't look bad when I gave it to him.

JAMES: (dryly) That's not what I meant…

NEKO: (looking enlightened) So _that's why he believes in that stupid Evil House-mon all of a sudden…_

SEAGULL: Oh, Evil House-mon.  You saw it too?

NEKO: (disgusted) Jesus Christ!  Don't tell me you believe in that ridiculous hallucination, too?!

SEAGULL: What do you mean, 'hallucination'?  It's been all over the news for the last week.

JAMES: (terrified) Agh, it IS REAL!!!  EEE!!!  (latches on to Neko with a death-grip, nearly suffocating the poor redhead)

NEKO: ALL OF YOU ARE INSANE!!!!

SEAGULL: Hey, do we want me to buy me your damn donut or not?

NEKO: I'm not sure if I want a donut from a wigged-out crack-head like you.

JAMES: I'll have it.

SEAGULL: Hey, I may be a crack-head, but I am _not wigging!  (thinks) Okay, maybe.  I swear I saw Brock making out with some girl on the way to town._

JAMES: Whoa, you are definitely wigging!!

NEKO: Definitely!

SEAGULL: I figured it had to be some sort of mirage or something.  (sheepish) I really should quit drinking my breakfast so much…!

NEKO: Really.  Lay off the Jack Daniel's.

JAMES: I'm really sorry to interrupt and all, but I really need my donut now because I think I'm going to faint from lack of nutrients!!

NEKO: (dramatic) Me too!

SEAGULL: Dumb-asses.  Donuts don't even have any nutrients.

NEKO: They've got sugar and fat—that's good enough for me.

JAMES: (looking about ready to pass out) James—need—donut—NOW!!

SEAGULL: (going to buy them donuts) You two and your damn donuts…

JAMES: You and your damn drugs…

Scene IV 

**(Jesse, Galaxia, and Chan-saw are at the local PokéCenter.  For no particular reason other than to annoy Nurse Joy)**

NURSE JOY: (twitching strangely from too much energy) DO YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR POKÉMON CHECKED?!

JESSE: No.  We're okay. (unnerving smile)

NURSE JOY: WELL…ARE YOU WAITING TO SEE SOMEONE?!

CHAN-SAW: Chan…??

JESSE: No.  (grin)

NURSE JOY: (confused and too hyper to be standing still and having this conversation) THEN…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!

JESSE: Nothing.  We're fine just sitting here.

GALAXIA: You have nice couches!

CHAN-SAW: (looking at the couch cushions with an odd gleam in her eye) See-ey!

NURSE JOY: (drumming her fingers on the counter with pent-up energy) DO YOU HAVE TO JUST SIT THERE LIKE THAT?!  STARING…AND STARING…AT ME…LIKE THAT…PLEASE STOP THAT!!!!!

CHAN-SAW: Chaa-aan, seeey!!  (getting dizzy from staring too much; falls over)

GALAXIA: (nervously) Why do you keep yelling like that?

NURSE JOY: (looking totally buzzed) YELLING?!  I'M NOT YELLING?!

GALAXIA: (whimper)

NURSE JOY: CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE QUIET?!  IT'S SO LOUD!!  STOP TALKING!!!  MAKE THE VOICES STOP!!  (pulls out a pill bottle and chugs from it like it's a pop can)

JESSE: I always thought those nurses were messed up but this one _really needs help._

GALAXIA: (looking scared) I think we drove her crazy with all that staring!

NURSE JOY: (shaking uncontrollably) PILLS, PILLS!!  I'M ALL OUT OF PILLS!!  WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY PILLS!!!

some KID: Nurse Joy, could you heal my Growlithe?

GROWLITHE: Growl?

NURSE JOY: (strangling the kid hysterically) WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM, DAMNIT?!!!  SOMEBODY GET ME MY GODDAMN PILLS BEFORE I HAVE A FLIPPING CORONARY!!!!

CHAN-SAW: (having a blast chopping the sofas up with her chainsaw in the background) CHAAAAAN-SEEEY!!!!  CHANSEY, CHAN!!

JESSE: (grabbing Galaxia and bolting out the door) Okay, this is when we leave and forget we'd ever been here!

GALAXIA: (crying) I wish I could forget!!

NURSE JOY: (throws the boy across the room, who quickly gets up and runs out the door screaming bloody-murder, and starts throwing pieces of sofa into the windows) GET OUT OF MY HEAD, DAMN YOU!!!!

Scene V 

**(Evening and the fireflies are out.  Everyone's back at TR's pad lounging on the porch)**

JAMES: (singing) Fish sticks, fish sticks, I love fish sticks!

JESSE: (whacks him in the back of the head) James, quit playing with your food!

JAMES: (pouting) Jesse!  You made me drop one!  (pause) Here, Meowth.  Have a fish stick.

MEOWTH: Ooh, yum!

NEKO: (looking up at the stars) Nu-uh.  You can say all you want, but I'm never going to believe that there's an evil house walking around killing and eating people!

GALAXIA: But there really is!  Neko, everyone but you believes me!

JESSE: I don't.

GALAXIA: Well, you don't count.  Besides, just like Lesbian Seagull said, it's been on the news and everything!

JAMES: Did it get an interview with Lisa Ling?

GALAXIA: No.

NEKO: James, Lisa Ling isn't even a news anchor.

JAMES: She's not?!!  But that's what it said in TokyoPop!

JESSE: James, I told you to stop reading those stupid Japanese pop culture magazines!  They're rotting your brain…more than normal…

JAMES: I only read it for the manga…

NEKO: That's the only worthwhile stuff to read in that crappy magazine.

JAMES: (cheery) I don't read them—I just look at the pictures!

JESSE: (dryly) Figures.

NEKO: (irritated) Well anyway, back to the original topic…

GALAXIA: (confused) What _was the original topic?_

NEKO: (grouchy) I have no idea!  I just wanted to get off that subject!

JAMES; (trying to catch fireflies with his hand and plate) Grr…slow down…!

MEOWTH: Hey, there was dirt on that fish stick!

PIZZA BOY: (in a lackluster voice) Pizza.

JESSE: (pissed) No one ordered a pizza!!  Would you give up?!

JAMES: Why turn down a pizza?

GALAXIA: (diving at the pizza boy like a wild feral panther) YOU'RE THAT BASTARD WHO PEEKED ON ME IN THE BATHHOUSE!!!  I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!

PIZZA BOY: (trying to run) Holy freakin' mother of God!!

NEKO: James, let's go get some Mason jars and catch fireflies for torturing later.

JAMES: Okay!

JESSE: (sigh) I'm going to bed…

MEOWTH: I want ta catch fireflies!  Hey, wait for me!!

GALAXIA: (chasing the pizza boy around the clearing) GET BACK HERE, DAMN YOU!!!!!

END EPISODE TWO 


	4. Episode 3: Secrets Don’t Make Friends—Bu...

(6/2/00) **Episode #3: Secrets Don't Make Friends—But Burnt S'mores Do!**

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

CHAN-SAW

EVIL BEAR-MON

VICTREEBELL

ARBOK

WEEZING

LICKITUNG

the BLACK NINJA: sent by the government to assassinate Meowth for knowing too much; has a strange obsession with origami

and a DIRTY BOOKSTORE

Scene I 

**(Jesse and Meowth are hiding in the pantry)**

JESSE: Meowth, tell me again why you dragged me in here?

MEOWTH: Shh!  Keep it down—he'll here ya!

JESSE: _Who will hear me, you numbskull?!  If this is about that stupid Evil House-mon again, I'm going to—_

MEOWTH: No, no!  He's after me, too, but—

JESSE: Oh brother…

MEOWTH: …that's not what dis is about!  I'm hidin' from da ninja!

JESSE: (wondering about Meowth's sanity) …Ninja?

MEOWTH: Da Black Ninja!  He's after me!

JESSE: A ninja…is after you?

MEOWTH: Yeah!  He's out ta kill me!  (grabs her by the collar) I—know—too—much!!

JESSE: (irritated) Know too much what?!  Crazy crack stories?!

MEOWTH: (getting frustrated) No!  Government secrets, imbecile!

JESSE: (bored expression) So we're hiding…in a cramped pantry—that smells suspiciously like gym socks, I might add—because the government sent a _ninja to assassinate you?_

MEOWTH: Because I know too much.

JESSE: Because you know too much.  (grabs him by the neck) DO I LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE MORON OR SOMETHING?!?!!

(James opens the pantry)

JAMES: Hi Jesse.  Hi Meowth.  Um, why are you guys in the pantry?

JESSE: We're hiding from the Black Ninja, half-wit!  Do you mind?!

JAMES: I'm just looking for the ramen.

JESSE: Second shelf, to the right.

JAMES: (grabbing ramen) Thanks.

(Jesse glares at him meaningfully)

JAMES: I'm leaving, I'm leaving! (closes the door)

JESSE: Now where was I?

MEOWTH: (turning blue) …choking…me…gack!

JESSE: Oh yes!  (shaking him) THIS IS ALMOST AS STUPID AS THAT CRAZY HOUSE-THINGIE!!  WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS STUFF?!?!!

JAMES: (opening the pantry again) Excuse me…

JESSE: WHAT NOW, JAMES?!

JAMES: (cringing) Um, I forgot the Pringles…

JESSE: (shoves the canister at him) NOW DON'T BOTHER US AGAIN!!

JAMES: (whimper) Okay…  (closes door)

MEOWTH: But…Jesse…!!  I'm serious!!  I saw the…documents!!  Now they…can't let me live!!

JESSE: MAYBE I SHOULD JUST KILL YOU AND DO THEM A FAVOR THEN!!

(James opens the door again)

JESSE & MEOWTH: WOULD YOU QUIT INTERRUPTING?!?!!

JAMES: (cowering) I'm sorry, I won't do it again, but there's a man out here looking for Meowth!

MEOWTH: Did he tell ya 'is name?

JAMES: (forehead creasing in thought) Um…I'm not quite sure, but I think it was something like…Mr. Black, or Ninja Man or something…

MEOWTH: BLACK NINJA?!?!!

JAMES: (brightly) Yeah, that's it!

BLACK NINJA: (popping his head around the door) Hello.

JESSE & MEOWTH: AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!  WE'VE BEEN DISCOVERED!!!

JAMES: (blink) You know this guy?

MEOWTH: (hysterical) CLOSE DA DOOR, CLOSE DA DOOR!!!!

JAMES: (stern) Meowth, don't be rude.  He said it's important.

BLACK NINJA: (popping his head around the door again) Very important.

MEOWTH: James, shut up and tell him we're in da bathroom!!

JAMES: (turns to the ninja) They're in the bathroom.

BLACK NINJA: Your pantry is your bathroom?

JAMES: (shifting his eyes) Um…yes?

BLACK NINJA: (peeking around the door again) I apologize, ma'am.  (closes the door carefully)

JAMES: Sorry.  Um…want a Pringle?

BLACK NINJA: Ooh, Salt & Vinegar—my favorite.  (takes a chip) Please tell your friend I'll try back another time.  (brightly) Here, have some origami!

JAMES: Ooh, a crane!

(The Black Ninja leaves and James opens the pantry door again and peeks his head in)

MEOWTH: Is he gone?

JAMES: Yeah.  (giddy) Look at my crane!

JESSE: (blushing) Meowth, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

MEOWTH: (shrug) Dat's okay, Jess.  But are ya gonna' believe me about Evil House-mon now?

JESSE: (growl) Don't push your luck, cat…

JAMES: Ooh!  When you push down on it like this, his wings flap!

JESSE: James, you are too easily amused for your own good.

JAMES: What's that suppose to mean?

Scene II 

**(Neko-chan, Galaxia and Chan-saw are out in the yard considering a small shack)**

NEKO: Ha!  Perfect!

GALAXIA: (evil laugh) That pizza boy will think twice before ever coming around here again!

NEKO: (smug) I must say it is one of my most genius schemes.

GALAXIA: Hey, don't take all the credit, bitch!  I helped too, ya know!

NEKO: (patting her head condescendingly) Yes, you did, sweetie.  And you were very helpful, too.

GALAXIA: (pouty) You're taunting me, Neko!  (stomps her foot in aggravation)

CHAN-SAW: (looking at their trap warily) Chaaan, seeey…

NEKO: Of _course it will work!  I came up with it, after all!_

GALAXIA: And I helped construct it!

CHAN-SAW: (raising an eyebrow and pointing at the trap) Chan chan sey!  Chansey, chansey!

NEKO: (insulted) It is _not obvious, you pink airhead!  You're just upset because we had to use your chainsaw!_

CHAN-SAW: (wilting sadly) Seey…

NEKO: I said you could have it back when we're done.

CHAN-SAW: Chan?

NEKO: No, I will not replace the blade.

CHAN-SAW: (indignant) Chan!

NEKO: Well it's your own fault it's dull.

GALAXIA: Dull blades are more dangerous!

NEKO: You scare me.

GALAXIA: Well it's the truth.

CHAN-SAW: (waving her arms wildly) SEY, SEY!  CHANSEY CHAN!!

(Footsteps are heard)

NEKO: Quick, hide!

(All three zip behind the bushes.  Soon after, Evil Bear-mon walks by and sees the trap with it's large sign proclaiming "FREE PORN!!" in red letters)

EVIL BEAR-MON: (blink) Evil?  (shrugs and goes inside)

NEKO: YAAAGH!!  Evil Bear-mon fell for the trap!!

CHAN-SEEY: (eyes wide in terror) SEEEEYY!!!

GALAXIA: (squealing) SOMEONE DO SOMETHING BEFORE HE GETS DECAPITATED!!

(Evil Bear-mon walks back out with a handful of unmarked videos and magazines and walks off into the woods unharmed)

GALAXIA: HUH?!

NEKO: WHA—?!  (angry) Who stocked the trap with actual porn?!

CHAN-SAW: Se-ey…

NEKO: (whacks her over the head) Imbecile!  It's not supposed to be a _real dirty bookstore!_

GALAXIA: (confused) Why didn't the chainsaw work?

NEKO: (blinks) Uh, good question…

(The sound of a chainsaw being revved comes from directly behind them)

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!

NEKO: IT'S JASON!!!!

JAMES: (popping up behind them with a chainsaw in hand) Chan-saw, you left your chainsaw in that shack over there.

CHAN-SAW: (grabbing the chainsaw from him and hugging it happily) Chaaaaan-seeeey!!

GALAXIA: (shaken up) YOU DUMB-ASS, NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!

NEKO: James, what the hell were you doing in that dirty bookstore?!

JAMES: (confused) Dirty bookstore?!  I thought it was a photo booth!  (thoughtfully) No wonder it wouldn't give me back my two dollars…

NEKO & GALAXIA: Figures.

(Jesse walks out on the porch to drink her coffee and notices the shack)

JESSE: Why is there a dirty bookstore on my lawn?

JAMES: (pointing at the three accusingly) Ask them, they put it there!

GALAXIA: We were trying to catch that stupid pizza boy!

NEKO: But James ruined it!  (whacks him over the head)

JAMES: Ow!  Hey!

JESSE: Well get rid of it!  I don't want people to think we're some sort of sick perverts!

GALAXIA: But we are sick perverts.

JESSE: But I don't want them to know that!

NEKO: Well what the hell are we supposed to do with it, then?

JESSE: I don't care what you do with it!  As long as you get it off the lawn!

JAMES: I'm hungry!

NEKO: You're always hungry.

JESSE: James, you just ate!

JAMES: But I'm still hungry!  Let's make a bonfire with it and roast marshmallows!

GALAXIA: Yeah!  I like s'mores!

CHAN-SAW: (revs her chainsaw) CHAAAAN-_SEY!_

(In a blur of wood chips, she chops the shack into firewood, douses it in lighter fluid and lights it on fire)

JESSE: (spitting out coffee) NOT ON THE LAWN, IMBECILES!!!

GALAXIA: Big flames…(staring at the flames with perverse enjoyment)

NEKO: (watching the 10 ft. high flames in disgust) You call that a bonfire?!  What this baby needs is more lighter fluid!  (everyone puts on welders' masks and fireproof suits as she adds about 5 more cans to the flames) (smug) Now _that's a bonfire!_

JAMES: (whines) But now we can't even stand near it!  How are we supposed to roast marshmallows!

NEKO: With really long sticks, duh!  (she cuts down a tree using Chan-saw's chainsaw and hands it to him)

(James sticks a marshmallow on the tip of a branch and with some difficulty, sticks it into the flames.  After a couple seconds, he pulls it out)

GALAXIA: Is it done?

(The marshmallow and branch crumble into a pile of smoking ashes)

JAMES: Yeah.

JESSE: I'm surrounded by idiots…

Scene III 

**(Meowth is skulking about in the backyard, looking paranoid)**

MEOWTH: I know he's here!  I can 'ear 'im breathin'!  (jerks at a sudden sound) What was dat?!

(Silence, except for the wind blowing the trees)

MEOWTH: (shaking) W-who's dere…?

VOICE: Don't worry—it's just me.

MEOWTH: (relieved) Oh.  (angry) Be a little quieter, moron!  Can't ya see Ahm tryin' ta hide here?!

VOICE: Oh, sorry.  (whispering) Is this better?

MEOWTH: No.  It'd be betta' if ya'd just shut your yap!

VOICE: You're pretty mouthy for a cat.

MEOWTH: Yeah, well I've also got claws, buddy!

VOICE: That won't stop me…

MEOWTH: (really annoyed) Whaddya mean, it won't stop ya?!  Of course it—(freezes) …uh…oh…

VOICE: What's the matter?  You look as if you'd seen an assassin or something…

MEOWTH: (whimper) …Jesse…James…help…!!

BLACK NINJA: (poking his head out of the trees) You're going to need it…

(Victreebell pops up behind him and swallows him whole)

VICTREEBELL: Eeee!!  *burp*

MEOWTH: (loud sigh) I owe you big, plant boy…

VICTREEBELL: Eeee!  Eeee, eee! (tackles him and tries to swallow his head)

MEOWTH: AGH!!!  LEGGO OF MY HEAD—I DON'T OWE YA DAT BIG, SALAD BREATH!!!!

VICTREEBELL: EEEE!!!

Scene IV 

**(Arbok, Weezing and Lickitung push the last scene out of the way, indignant looks on their faces.  Well, actually only Arbok looks indignant.  Weezing just looks clueless like always and Lickitung looks like he's trying to have a staring contest with himself)**

***Pre-translated for your viewing pleasure***

ARBOK: We are sick and tired of being ignored!

WEEZING: Yeah, ignored!  Dur…!

ARBOK: So far we have only appeared once!  We demand more lines!

WEEZING: More lines, more lines!

ARBOK: (hisses) Shut up, you!  (conks Weezing in the head with his tail)

WEEZING: (not even fazed) Ow.

LICKITUNG: (incredibly bored) Why am I here?

ARBOK: Because you're tired of the injustices we have to endure!  You want to challenge the system!  You invite change—you recognize the need for Pokémon rights!  You're tired of having people devalue you and just assume you have nothing intelligent to say because they don't understand you!  WE DEMAND DEMOCRACY!!

LICKITUNG: Sure.  Whatever, man.  Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna' go over here and lick this tree.  (does so)

ARBOK: (blinks) Okay.  (determined) Never give up for what you fight for, though!

LICKITUNG: (waves a hand at him pretending he cares)

WEEZING: Weezing like fight!  Fighting good!  (puffs a little bit of smoke)

ARBOK: Shut up, moron!  I didn't say you could speak!  Just sit there and look…I don't know!  Just don't say anything!  You're hurting my argument with your brainless remarks.

WEEZING: (hurt) Weezing not stupid.

ARBOK: (hastily making something up) Yes!  I know you're not…stupid…but you have to be quiet!  I know how to talk to these people better than you do.

WEEZING: But Arbok, there no people.  Only blank white page.

ARBOK: (frustrated) I-I know that, imbecile!  They're _behind that white page!  Now let me—_

(Weezing pushes him out of the way and tries to peer into the whiteness)

WEEZING: Where, where?  Me no see them.

ARBOK: (knocks him out of the way) Of course you can't!  They're hiding!  Now scram and let me talk to them, or I'll mail you to the Fiji Islands again!  And this time I won't put holes in the box!

WEEZING: (sad) No, don't do that.  Make Master sad.

ARBOK: (under his breath) Master probably won't even notice…(out loud) Weezing, if you just sit there, and don't talk, I won't mail you anywhere.  But you can't—talk.  Period.

WEEZING: Like playing freeze tag?

ARBOK: (trying to control his temper) Yes, like playing freeze tag.  (pause) Weezing, I told you to freeze.

WEEZING: You not tag me yet.

ARBOK: (twitching angrily) What?!  You stupid floating ball of gas, I TOLD you to—

WEEZING: (stubbornly) Weezing not freeze until you tag him.

ARBOK: Grr…Fine!  I'll tag you.  (tries to hit him with his tail but Weezing floats out of the way) Half-wit, what are you doing _now?!  Get back here!_

WEEZING: You have to catch Weezing to tag him.  That rules.

ARBOK: AARRRGH!!  (threatening to have a spaz-attack)

**(Evil Bear-mon walks by reading a PlayBoy)**

EVIL BEAR-MON: What are you guys doing?

ARBOK: I'm _trying to negotiate contracts with the writers and Weezing is ruining it with his stupid remarks!_

WEEZING: You no catch Weezing.  Ha ha.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Why don't you just put him in his Pokéball?

ARBOK: (blink) I…(smacks his forehead) I'm so stupid!

LICKITUNG: (looking up from licking some rocks) Hey, he's making some progress.  Maybe next he'll admit to having anger management issues.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Hey, Weezing!  Smile for the camera.

WEEZING: (looking around in confusion) Camera?  Where?

(Arbok calls him back into his Pokéball when he's not looking)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Well, my job's done here.  (turns to leave)

ARBOK: WAIT!!  Now I don't have anyone to support me in my plea!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Whaddya need me for?  I'm not even a Pokémon.

ARBOK: Neko says you are.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Neko talks to herself and stalks government officials.

ARBOK: Good point.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Besides, you've got Lickitung.

ARBOK: Who?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Lickitung.

(Arbok still looks confused)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Jesse's other Pokémon.

ARBOK: Uh…

EVIL BEAR-MON: (sigh) Here.  (turns Arbok around and points at Lickitung who is busily scooting across the lawn on his belly licking the grass)

ARBOK: (understanding) Ohhhhh…(pause) Maybe Victreebell will help me.

EVIL BEAR-MON: He's hardly better.

ARBOK: Chan-saw?

EVIL BEAR-MON: She's already got her own contract.

ARBOK: (sigh) It's hopeless.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Sorry, man.  But you're probably the only intelligent Pokémon left who doesn't have a contract to appear in the show.

ARBOK: (crying) What am I gonna' do?!

EVIL BEAR-MON: You should talk to Jess 'n James.  I bet they'll help you get into the show.  They tried to make you movie stars before.

ARBOK: I guess…

EVIL BEAR-MON: What's the matter with that idea?

ARBOK: Nothing.  It's just…if they get me a contract, so will the other Pokémon.

EVIL BEAR-MON: (looks over at Lickitung, who has now been joined by a hyperactive Victreebell) I see your point.

(Arbok turns to leave)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Hey, where're you going?

ARBOK: To get an agent.  I'm handling this my own way.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Hmm.  Good luck, man.  (goes back to reading his PlayBoy)

LICKITUNG: (to Victreebell) What was that all about?

VICTREEBELL: Who cares, your head looks like it tastes good!

LICKITUNG: Get the hell away from me.

VICTREEBELL: On second thought, where's Master?

END EPISODE THREE 


	5. Episode 4: Get That Thing Out of My Face...

(6/10/00—6/11/00) **Episode #4: Get That Thing Out of My Face!**

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

CHAN-SAW

LESBIAN SEAGULL

EVIL BEAR-MON

ARBOK

WEEZING

Neko's GASTLY

Neko's RAICHU

Galaxia's FLAREON

a MACHOKE

some DRUNK DUCKS

and a FABIO LOOK-A-LIKE LIFEGUARD

Scene I 

(Jesse and James are sitting on the beach, seemingly alone)

JESSE: Talk about an empty beach!

JAMES: I guess not very many people like to go swimming at dawn.

JESSE: (shiver) It is a little chilly…*brrr*

JAMES: (sidling towards her) I could warm you up…

JESSE: (glare) James, what are you doing?

JAMES: (freezes) Er, nothing?

JESSE: That's what I thought.

JAMES: (sigh) 

JESSE: (starts to shiver again) Um…

JAMES: (perks up) Yes?

JESSE: (looking around hastily) Maybe…you could…

JAMES: (grin; sidles towards her) Yes?!

JESSE: Seeing as how…we're…alone…

JAMES: _Very alone…_

JESSE: _Seemingly alone!_

JAMES: (nod) Seemingly.

JESSE: I guess it would be okay if…

JAMES: (right next to her) Yeeesss?

JESSE: …I borrowed your towel.

JAMES: WHA—?!

JESSE: (whipping his towel out from under him and wrapping it around herself) Thank you, James!  That was very sweet of you!

JAMES: (on his back in the sand; stunned) My…towel…?!

**(Neko, Galaxia and Chan-saw walk up in their swimsuits, towels in hand—well, Chan-saw's not in a suit but you get the idea…)**

NEKO: There you two are!

GALAXIA: Whaddya doin' at the beach at this time of the day?!  It's not even warm enough to swim yet!

JESSE: (irritated) Because we like to avoid crowds!  I may ask the same thing of you two, though!

GALAXIA: (whispering to Neko) This looks kinky…

JESSE: What was that?!

GALAXIA: (pouty) I didn't say anything!

NEKO: Well we came because everyone knows you're not suppose to swim when the lifeguard's not on duty—

GALAXIA: And lifeguard's are never on duty at five in the morning!

NEKO: We just came to break the rules.

CHAN-SAW: Seey!  [Loves breaking rules]

JESSE: Oooh-kaaay…

**(Chan-saw runs off towards a pile of driftwood to play with her chainsaw)**

JAMES: (righting himself) Ohaiyo gozaimasu. [_Good morning]_

NEKO: Arigato.  O'genki desu ka? [_Thank you.  How are you?]_

JAMES: Bóku mótsu suna ni kamí. [_I have sand in my hair]_

NEKO: Sóo fukóo na. [_That's unfortunate]_

JAMES: Hai. [_Yes]  (shakes his hair to get the sand out)_

GALAXIA: (confused) Uh…

JESSE: Could we be included in this conversation, please?!

NEKO & JAMES: Sumimasén. [_Sorry]_

JESSE: (irritated sigh) Hey, Neko.  There's something different about you…

NEKO: Huh? (turning and trying to get a look at herself)

JAMES: (looking at Neko) There is?

JESSE: (thoughtful) Yes.  I can't put my finger on it though…

JAMES: (blushing) Er…Neko…since when did you have such…er…um…big…ya know…

JESSE: That's it!  Your chest is bigger!

JAMES: (really red) You don't have to be so blunt…

NEKO: (blushing) My…chest…  (chances a peek at herself)

GALAXIA: Hey, Jesse's right!  Since when have you had such big hooters?

JAMES: (extremely embarrassed) I believe the polite term would be 'well endowed'…

NEKO: (looking at her swimsuit top) Oh!  So that's where I put my Pokéballs!  (turns around and slips the Pokéballs from her top)

JAMES: (relieved) Good, no silicon!

NEKO: Of course not!  I would never get a boob-job!

GALAXIA: (confused) Why not?  You need one.

**(Neko knocks her over with the back of her fist)**

JAMES: (jumping up angrily) COULD WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT BREASTS?!?!!

GIRLS: Speak for yourself!  Pervert!

JAMES: (smacks his forehead in defeat) Oi!

JESSE: Anyway, back to a point?

JAMES: (irritated) There's a point to this?!

JESSE: Oh James, shut up or I'll do something that'll really make your face red…

**(Neko and Galaxia giggle mischievously)**

JAMES: (really curious) Like what?

JESSE: Like this!  (makes a grab for his shorts)

JAMES: YAAAAGGHHH!!  (dives out of the way before she can pants him)

JESSE: So now you know what I'll do if you don't shut up.

JAMES: I hate this.

JESSE: Jaaaamesss…

JAMES: Shutting up now!

JESSE: Anyway, as I was saying, since when do you have Pokémon, Neko?

NEKO: Since I joined Team Rocket of course.  You have to have Pokémon to be in Team Rocket.

JESSE: Of course.(???)  Um, why haven't we seen them until now?

NEKO: They've been in Pokémon reform school.  Bad behavior.

JAMES: Bad behavior?

JESSE: James.

JAMES: Eep.

NEKO: But they've changed their ways now.  Wanna' see?

JESSE: Not really…

NEKO: Pokéballs, go!  (throws the balls on the sand and Gastly and Raichu pop out)

GASTLY: Gas, gastly!  (starts flying in a tight circle with excitement)

RAICHU: (confused) Rai, rai?  Rai, rai, rai…?

NEKO: We're at the beach!

RAICHU: (looks up at her questioningly) Rai, rai, raichu?

NEKO: (dryly) No, you can not bury us in the sand.

JAMES: (nervous) Uh, your Pokémon seem…nice…

NEKO: (insulted) Of course they're nice!

RAICHU: Rai!

NEKO: They're just misunderstood!

JESSE: (dryly) Sounds like James.

JAMES: I'm not weird!

**(Everyone whistles and looks away)**

JAMES: (pout) Why are you all so mean to me?

GALAXIA: (cheery) Because we love you.

JESSE: And you make it so easy.

RAICHU: (eyeing Jesse's bikini top mischievously) Raiiii…

JESSE: So…if you have Pokémon, Neko, Galaxia must have Pokémon too, right?

GALAXIA: (looking uncomfortable) Um…yeah.

JESSE: What's wrong?

GALAXIA: I'm not sure you'd like my Pokémon very much…

NEKO: (pushy) Oh, just show her your Pokémon, Galaxia!

GALAXIA: If you really want me to…(pulls out a Pokéball) Pokéball, go…(tosses it)

FLAREON: (popping out) Flare! (waves her tail flirtatiously)

JESSE: (excited) A Flareon!  I love Flareons!

GALAXIA: Don't be so sure…(nervous)

JAMES: What are you so upset about?  A Flareons a great Pokémon!  (mutter) Of course, a Vaporeon would be better…

FLAREON: (seeing James) FLARE!!!  (dives on him with hearts in her eyes)

JAMES: (terrified) YAAAGH, IT'S ATTACKING ME!!

GALAXIA: It's a little horny…

FLAREON: (licking James' face and rubbing up against him excitedly) Flare, flare, flare!!

JESSE: (dryly) I can see that…

JAMES: GET IT OFF OF ME, DAMNIT!!

GALAXIA: Aww, but she likes you!

NEKO: (sweetly) How romantic!

JESSE: (disturbed look) What's it doing?

NEKO: (suddenly not so happy) Er, maybe we should get her off of him…

GALAXIA: Flareon, get off of James this instant!  Bad Flareon, bad!  (sigh) I knew I should have gotten her fixed…!

GASTLY: (dizzy from spinning) Gast…ly…!  (falls over)

**Scene II**

**(Lesbian Seagull is sitting some ways down the beach meditating within a circle of white candles in a hooded, black velvet cloak)**

SEAGULL: (staring into the flame of one of the candles and chanting)

Craft the spell

In the fire;

Craft it well;

Weave it higher.

Weave it now

Of shining flame;

None shall come

To hurt or maim.

None shall pass

This fiery wall;

None shall pass

No, none at all.

**(Meowth who is passing by, stops and steps into the ring of candles)**

MEOWTH: Hey, Seagull.  What da hell ya doin'?

SEAGULL: (aghast) You just—!

MEOWTH: I just what?  Whatcha' gawkin at, goil?

SEAGULL: (still speechless) My…spell—!

MEOWTH: (looking around at the candles and stuff) Ooh, you doin' dat creepy witchcraft stuff again?

SEAGULL: (gawk) I…!  My…!

MEOWTH: Are you tryin' ta resurrect some ancient evil demon or sompin'?

SEAGULL: (regaining her voice) I…no, not really.  Just a simple fire spell.

MEOWTH: (crestfallen) Aw.  Damn.  (walks off) Call me if ya ever do resurrect some evil demon guy, though!

SEAGULL: (watches him go then frowns angrily) Stupid cheap spell!  (tries to kick sand on the candles but stubs her toe on some invisible wall) @#$%!  What the—?!  (taps at the invisible wall with a finger, then panics and begins pounding on it with her fists) GOD DAMNIT!!  IT WORKED BACKWARDS!!  

(pause) 

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!

**Scene III **

**(The beach has started warming up.  Jess and James are tanning on the beach while their Pokémon play or lounge about in the sand)**

JAMES: (tilting his sunglasses down on his face) Jesse, I just thought of something.

JESSE: Hmm.  What would that be James?

JAMES: If Arbok's able to get a contract, couldn't he get restraining orders as well?

JESSE: (blink) James, what the hell are you talking about?

JAMES: I'm talking about if Arbok ever got tired of you, he could just talk to his lawyers and run away!

JESSE: (looking at him weirdly) James…Arbok is a _Pokémon…_

JAMES: Well apparently even Pokémon can get lawyers these days.

JESSE: (blink, blink) You didn't put any sunscreen on, did you?

JAMES: (blink) Um, why do you ask?

**(Close-by, Meowth and Chan-saw are building a giant sandcastle)**

MEOWTH: Are ya finished diggin' dat moat, Chan-saw?

CHAN-SAW: (popping her head out of a giant trench) Seey…

MEOWTH: Well of course it's gotta' be big!  How else would I fit da attack squids and sharks in dere?!

CHAN-SAW: Sey, sey.

MEOWTH: No, dat is not deep enough!  Da squids 'n sharks are s'posed ta stay in da moat—we don't want dem gettin out!

CHAN-SAW: Sey!  Chansey, chan.

MEOWTH: Stop yappin' an' start diggin', missy!

**(Neko and Galaxia pop their heads out of the moat)**

NEKO: WAZZUP?!

GALAXIA: Whatcha' doin?

MEOWTH: Yaagh!  How'd youse guys get in dere?!

NEKO: Oh, we were just walking along looking for broken bottles and suddenly we fell into this big sand-trap.

GALAXIA: Meowth, what is this?  Have the Russians attacked again?

MEOWTH: It's not a sand-trap, it's a moat, moron!  And it's for my sandcastle!

NEKO: Damn.  I thought you were stockpiling weapons for World War III or something.

MEOWTH: I did dat last week.  Now could ya please get outta' dere so I can fill it?!

GALAXIA: (huffy) Fine!  We know where we're unwanted!

NEKO: Hey, let's go feed beer-soaked bread to the ducks.

GALAXIA: Okay!  But where are we gonna' get the beer?

NEKO: Oh, I'm sure James' got some in his cooler somewhere.

**(Jump out of the moat and run off)**

MEOWTH: Weirdoes!  (to Chan-saw) Hey, powderpuff!  You done diggin' dat moat?!  I've got ta fill it so I can add da squids and sharks!

**(Jesse and James are still tanning on their towels)**

JAMES: You know what?  I just thought of something else.

JESSE: For god-sakes, James, stop thinking!

JAMES: No, no!  It's something really important this time.

JESSE: (sigh) Like what?  How does a Pidgey fly?

JAMES: No.  (thoughtful) Though that does present a very curious question…

JESSE: Shut up!  What were you thinking of?!

JAMES: Oh.  Well, I just realized that we don't have the day off.

JESSE: (blink) We…don't?

JAMES: Um, no.  (pulls out a calendar) See, here's today, but our day off is actually tomorrow.  A common mistake.

JESSE: Oh, damn!  (blink) James, how come you realized this before I did?

JAMES: Because I was looking at the calendar realizing your birthday was coming up and I hadn't bought you a present yet.

JESSE: (angry) You haven't bought my present yet?!

JAMES: Nooo…(sweat drop)

JESSE: *grrr*

**(Neko and Galaxia run by, followed by a swarm of angry drunken ducks)**

GALAXIA: AAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!  NEKO, THROW THEM SOME BREAD, THROW THEM SOME BREEEEEAAAAADDD!!!!

NEKO: WE'RE ALL OUT!!!!

GALAXIA: WELL THROW THEM _SOMETHING!!!!_

**(The ducks start pecking and biting at them)**

BOTH: OOOWWWW!!!  OWOWOWOWWWW!!!!!

JAMES: What got into the ducks?

JESSE: I'm guessing Leinie's.

RAICHU: (popping out of the sand) RAI!

JAMES: Yikes!  Don't do that!

RAICHU: Chu!  Rai, rai, raichu!

JESSE: I don't like that look in it's eyes…

JAMES: (wary) Have you been drinking too?

RAICHU: (innocent) Chu?

JESSE: (stern) Don't play innocent with us, buddy!

JAMES: (just as stern) Right!  We're the experts in playing innocent!

RAICHU: (rolls his eyes) Chu _rai!  (akanbe)_

JAMES: (angry) Well, 'nyah' to you too, damnit! (akanbe)

RAICHU: (rolling his eyes comically and wagging his tongue rudely) Rai rai!

JAMES: Oh yeah?! (glares so angrily that he gets fangs)

JESSE: Stop acting so immature, half-wits! (sticks her tongue out at them)

RAICHU: (glaring back) Raaiii! *grrr*

JAMES: (glaring harder) Grrrr!

**(Raichu glares so hard he freezes James.  Laughing at him, he steals another beer from the cooler, unsnaps Jesse's bikini top, and runs off with it)**

JAMES: I CAN'T MOVE!!!

JESSE: (quickly grabbing his towel and covering herself with it) NEITHER CAN I!!!!!

**(Silence)**

JAMES: Who knew that a Raichu could use Glare?

JESSE: SHUTUP!!

**(More silence)**

JESSE: Did you…see anything?

JAMES: (blushing) Um…no…

JESSE: Good!  Because if you had, I'd have to pound your face into the sand!

JAMES: (gulp)

JESSE: (crying) Stupid Raichu!  Now what am supposed to do?!

JAMES: You could go after it.

JESSE: Are you mad?!  I'm not running around the beach in a towel!  (kicks him) You go!

JAMES: But I'm frozen!

JESSE: So unfreeze, damnit!

JAMES: (panicking) How am I supposed to do that, Jesse?!

JESSE: To unfreeze something that is frozen, you melt it moron!

JAMES: Er…we're already on a beach, Jess.  You can't get much hotter than that.

JESSE: (blushing) Yes you can…

JAMES: (excited) What?!  Do you have an idea?!

JESSE: (blushing harder) Sort of…

JAMES: What?!  Tell me, tell me!!  I'm getting cramps in my shoulders!

JESSE: (embarrassed) Well, I was thinking…maybe if I…kissed you…you would melt…

JAMES: (blushing) Um…yeah…that might work…

JESSE: Just…maybe…

**(Silence)**

JAMES: (expectantly) …Well?

JESSE: (irritated) Well what?!

JAMES: (carefully) Aren't you going to…kiss me?  I'm not going anywhere.

JESSE: (angry) Don't rush me!

JAMES: I'm not rushing!!

JESSE: (making sure the towel is firmly in place) Okay…(takes a deep breath)  Here goes!

**(Jesse kisses him quickly on the nose)**

JAMES: (blink, blink)

JESSE: (looking at him expectantly) Okay-ay!  Unfreeze!

JAMES: (eyebrow raised) You kissed my nose.

JESSE: Yeah…Are you going to unfreeze or not?

JAMES: (pouty) How am I supposed to melt if you give me a peck on the nose?

JESSE: (irritated) Okay, Mr. Smarty-pants!  How exactly was I suppose to kiss you?!

JAMES: (shyly) Um…you know…

JESSE: Why do you have to be so damned difficult?!

JAMES: Hey, I'm not the one who made up the rules!  It's just common knowledge that a guy won't melt if you kiss him on the nose!

JESSE: (huffy) Oh, what would you know?!

JAMES: (insulted) I know plenty!

JESSE: (eye roll) Yeah!  Right…

JAMES: (sneaky) Hmmm…You know what it sounds like to me?

JESSE: What?!

JAMES: (smirk) You've never kissed anyone before.

JESSE: (enraged) Of course I have!

JAMES: Nu-uh.

JESSE: Ya-HUH!  (getting ready to smack him)

JAMES: Oh, yeah?  Prove it!

JESSE: Alright!  I will!  (muttering angrily) I'll show him, that cocky, self-righteous bastard!

**(Jesse angrily grabs his head and kisses him hard on the lips)**

JAMES: (melting) …!!

**(Jesse continues to kiss him aggressively for a whole minute.  Finally she pulls away, grinning proudly)**

JESSE: Ha!  Told you!  (akanbe) Nyah!

JAMES: (mock defeated) You sure did, Jesse…Oh, well.  I guess I have to go try and get your bikini top back, now.

JESSE: (losing her smile) Hold on!  Don't I get a thank you?!

JAMES: (mock innocent) Thank you?  For what?

JESSE: (shocked anger) For unfreezing you, you ungrateful jerk!

JAMES: Ohhh, thaaaat!

JESSE: (seething) Yes, _that!  [She's covering up for the fact that she enjoyed it ^_~]****_

JAMES: Would this do? (pulls her to him and kisses her deeply)

**(Jesse looks surprised, then melts into his embrace and returns the kiss)**

**(Suddenly Gastly pops up out of the sand holding a camera—don't ask me how)**

GASTLY: (smiling happily) Gas!  Gastly!  (takes a picture of them making out)

BOTH: (pulling apart hastily) YAAAAAGHHH!!!

JAMES: WE WERE'NT DOING ANYTHING, I SWEAR!!!

JESSE: (diving at Gastly and almost loses her towel) GIVE ME THAT CAMERA, YOU FILTHY, SONAFA—!!!

GASTLY: (disappearing and reappearing behind them—waves the camera tauntingly) Gas, gastly!  Gastly, gastly!

JESSE: Oh no you don't, you stupid Pokémon!!!  Give me that film now before I tear you limb from limb!!!

JAMES: Isn't it already dead?

JESSE; I…!!  James, shut up and get that camera back!

JAMES: (whine) But Jesse—!

JESSE: No buts!!  GET THAT CAMERA AND GET IT NOW OR YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET IT!!!!  (the towel falls off from her outburst)

JAMES: Maybe I should go find your top first?

JESSE: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

**Scene IV**

**(Meowth is overseeing the final construction of his sandcastle and moat)**

MEOWTH: (using a megaphone) Hey!  Evil Bear-mon!  Have you completed dat tower yet?!

EVIL BEAR-MON: (poking his head over the rim of a tower) Eeev!  (thumbs up)

MEOWTH: Excellent!  Chan-saw, how is the bridge comin' along?!

CHAN-SAW: (stops chopping driftwood and pulls up her visor) Seey!  Chansey, sey, chan!

MEOWTH: Well dat's not my problem!  Weezin's in charge of gatherin' da driftwood!

WEEZING: Weee…

MEOWTH: I won't hear dat kind of talk!  Now get back out dere and find me more driftwood!

WEEZING: Wee…(floats off sadly)

MEOWTH: (looking around in irritation) Come on, people!  Chop chop!  We ain't got all day!  Now where's my moat-monster crew?!

ARBOK: (saluting with his tail) Char!

MEOWTH: Where's da rest of da crew?

ARBOK: Char…chaaaar-bokuh!

MEOWTH: Dose lazy slacka's!  Insubordination!  Dey're fired!

ARBOK: …cha, charbokuh…

MEOWTH: Dat's beside da point, Lieutenant!  Dey're still fired!  Now, report, soldier!  Have ya collected da attack squids an' sharks?!

ARBOK: (sweat drop) Char…

MEOWTH: Good!  Have dem released in da moat!

ARBOK: (salutes and slithers off to obey) Char!

NEKO: (popping her head out of a window) Hey, there's real carpeting in here!  Sugoi!  [_Cool!]_

GALAXIA: (tapping on one of the closed windows) Are these Pella?

MEOWTH: Hey!!  Youse in da windows!  Whaddya think you're doin'?!

NEKO: (waving a hand dismissively) Oh, don't mind us!  We're just hiding from the ducks!

GALAXIA: Do you mind if I use your bathroom?

MEOWTH: Yes!!  Get out now!!  You're gonna' make it collapse!!

GALAXIA: Aww!  Party pooper!

NEKO: (insulted) It's a crummy sandcastle anyway!  I would have made a nuclear weapons bunker!

MEOWTH: (dancing about in rage) GET OUT!!!!

NEKO: With a real launch test site!

**(Both disappear from the windows)**

MEOWTH: (signals to a burly looking Machoke)

MACHOKE: Choke?

MEOWTH: Send in da swat team, captain.

**(James is chasing Raichu across the beach)**

JAMES: (growling) Give it back, damnit!

RAICHU: (laughing hysterically) Rai, RAI!!  Rai, rai, rai…!!

JAMES: You little bastard!!  I need that swimsuit top so Jesse will make-out with me again!

RAICHU: (laughing harder) CHUU!!  RAI RAI!!

JAMES: I am not!!

RAICHU: Chu!  (akanbe)

JAMES: (enraged) Why you—!!  Get back here!!  I'll beat that goddamn smirk off your face!!

RAICHU: (crying from laughing so hard) RAAAIIII!!

**(Both keep running and almost run past Lesbian Seagull who is still trying to get out of her invisible force-field spell)**

JAMES: (jerking to a stop) Er…what are you doing?

RAICHU: Rai? (tilts his head quizzically)

SEAGULL: (pounding on her invisible cage) Trying to get out of this damn circle!!

RAICHU: Ra…rai?

SEAGULL: Help me out of this thing, damnit!!

JAMES: What…thing?  There's nothing but air.

SEAGULL: It's invisible, moron!!  Help me break it or something—I'm trapped in here!!

**(James and Raichu exchange a shrug)**

RAICHU: Raichu, rai…

JAMES: Neither do I.  (sudden thought) Hey, this must be some new mime training thing!

SEAGULL: Mime training, my ass!  Just break this damn thing!

JAMES: (ignoring her) I think you're doing it wrong.  You're supposed to feel all the walls of the box and then pretend to open a door in the top.

SEAGULL: I'M NOT MIMING, IMBECILE!!

JAMES: (to Raichu) Shh!  Let's leave her alone!  She needs more practice!

RAICHU: (nod) Rai!

**(Both walk off, leaving Seagull screaming after them)**

SEAGULL: @#$%#^%#%%^&!%$^@^%$@#$!%%#$^$&#@!$@#$@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Scene V**

**(Jesse, Neko and Galaxia are walking along the beach front eating ice cream cones.  Neko and Galaxia are covered in about 3 boxes worth of bandages)**

JESSE: Where the hell is James with that bikini top?

GALAXIA: Your bikini top?!

NEKO: (sneaky grin) Jesse, what's James doing with your swimsuit top?

GALAXIA: (curious) Is this some kind of game you guys play when we're not around?

JESSE: (blushing) You guys are sick!  That's not it at all!

NEKO: Then what the hell is it?  What else would a guy be doing with your bikini top?

JAMES: Grr…It's none of your business, damnit!

NEKO: Fine.  You can keep your sex-life to yourself.

JESSE: I said, shut up!  (whaps Neko in the back of the head)

GALAXIA: Jesse, if James has your swimsuit top, how come you're wearing it?

JESSE: Because I went home and changed into my other suit.

NEKO: Then why…(sigh) Oh, forget about it!

JESSE: Exactly!  Forget about it!

**(Gastly appears in front of them)**

GASTLY: (happy grin) Gaaaas-tly!

JESSE: (turning blue) G-gastly!

NEKO: Hey, Gastly-chan!  What have you been up to, you sneaky spook?

JESSE: G-gastly, you haven't been up to anything, have you?!

GASTLY: (nodding) Gastly!

JESSE: (gritting her teeth angrily) Of course you haven't, Gastly…

GASTLY: (nodding again) Gastly!

NEKO: (stern) Gastly, have you been taking scandalous pictures of people again?

GASTLY: (looking guilty) Gaaas…

NEKO: Okay, Mister!  Hand over the camera!

**(Gastly hands over the camera reluctantly)**

NEKO: Good ghosty!  (waving her finger at him accusingly) Gastly, you should be ashamed of yourself!  Violating people's rights like that!  _No kawari ni hají!  [__For shame!]_

GASTLY: (drooping sadly) Gas…  (disappears)

JESSE: (grabbing the camera hastily) Okay!  We'd better go destroy this!

NEKO: (grabbing it back) Are you kidding?!  I wanna' see what kinds of juicy things he caught on this baby!

GALAXIA: Ooh!  How fun!

NEKO: Come on!  There's a one-hour photo place just down the street from here!

JESSE: Yaaagh!  You can't do that!!

NEKO: Why not?

JESSE: Because it would be…um…wrong!  That's right!

NEKO: (gives Jesse a weird look) Since when did you care?

GALAXIA: Ohmigod, she's gone soft!

JESSE: I-I—No I haven't!

NEKO: Sounds like it to me.

JESSE: (insulted) I have not gone soft, you guys!

NEKO: I think you have.

GALAXIA: You need a really studly boyfriend.

JESSE: (blushing) What?!

NEKO: Galaxia's right.  Maybe some really hot lovin' would snap Jesse out of it.

GALAXIA: Hey, how about that lifeguard over there?

JESSE: Uh, you mean the Fabio look-a-like?

NEKO: Yeah!  He's perfect for you!

JESSE: (raised eyebrow) Doesn't he advertise butter spray?

GALAXIA: I don't think so—he looks like a lifeguard to me…

JESSE: Not him—Fabio!  Moron!

NEKO: Not butter spray.  _Not-butter spray._

JESSE: What butter spray?

NEKO: Not-butter.

GALAXIA: He sounds like a weirdo.

NEKO: He's got big pecks.

GALAXIA: Do _you like him?_

NEKO: Eeew!  NO!!

JESSE: (angry) Then why are you trying to hook me up with him?!

NEKO: I wasn't.  I was trying to hook you up with that look-a-like lifeguard.

JESSE: (sigh) Let's just get out of here.  I think I've had enough of the beach for one day!

**(All of a sudden, James goes running by, waving Jesse's swimsuit top in the air)**

JAMES: HA, HA, SUCKER!!!!  I GOT IT!!!!  NYAH NYAH!!!!

**(Raichu streaks past them, chasing James.  Soon after, he's followed by a flock of drunken ducks)**

GALAXIA: Um, Jesse…

JESSE: I need a paper bag…

**END EPISODE FOUR**


	6. Episode 5: The Heat is OnCrash and Burn!

(6/12/00) **Episode #5: The Heat is On—Crash and Burn!**

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

EVIL BEAR-MON

ARBOK

WEEZING

VICTREEBELL

LICKITUNG

RAICHU

GASTLY

FLAREON

LESBIAN SEAGULL

the BLACK NINJA

and some PHOTO CLERK guy

**Scene I**

**(Arbok is sitting at a makeshift desk [an old apple barrel] in the backyard.  Raichu is sitting across from him on a beer keg)**

***Pre-translated for your viewing pleasure***

ARBOK: (looking down at some legal papers) What kinds of contributions could you bring to the show if you were included in this contract?

RAICHU: (thoughtful) Um, well…I could steal people's underwear a lot.  For laughs, y'know?

ARBOK: (nod) I see.  So you would bring…comic relief, am I right?

RAICHU: Yeah.  If you really want to use the big words, y'know.

ARBOK: (flicks his tongue thoughtfully) Alright…Are you sure there's nothing else you could contribute?

RAICHU: (scratching his head) Well I could…Look, what's the point?  Even if you didn't include me in your stupid legal contract thingie, I'd still do all this stuff anyway y'know.

ARBOK: Er…okay.  But why?

RAICHU: (smirk) Because I can, stuff-shirt.

ARBOK: Hmm, I like your attitude.  [He'd also like to eat him ^_^]  You're in!  (stamps a red 'APPROVED' on the papers)

RAICHU: Yeah, whatever.  A piece of paper doesn't mean anything, y'know.

ARBOK: (smirk) You'd be surprised… [Meaning Raichu should have read the fine print ^_^]

It was nice doing business with you, Raichu.

RAICHU: Yeah, same here, I guess.  When can I get out of here, damnit all?

ARBOK: And for future reference, don't call me stuff-shirt.

RAICHU: Sure, sure.  Whatever.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have some 'business' to attend to, y'know…

**(Raichu hops off the beer keg and starts to leave.  In a second thought, he turns around and drags the beer keg away with him)**

ARBOK: (raises an eyebrow after Raichu and flicks his tongue) We really have too many of those things around here…(looks down at a list) Okay!  Next!

**(Flareon saunters over, sits down primly in front of the barrel and begins to wash one paw daintily)**

FLAREON: Okay, Big Boy, let's get this over with.  This vixen's got places to be and people to do, if you get my drift.

ARBOK: (blink) Ah, I think you have it the other way around…

FLAREON: (gives him a sultry glance) I know what I said.

ARBOK: (hisses uncomfortably) Oooh-kaaay…Let's get down to business.  Flareon, what kind of contributions could you make to this show if you were included in this contract?

FLAREON: Whatever I have to do.

ARBOK: Pardon me?

FLAREON: I said I'd do anything.  Just as long as it gets me what I want.

ARBOK: Er…And what exactly is it that you want?  I really don't want to know!

FLAREON: (sigh) That big manly hunk of studly blue-haired bishonen!  Ooh, he can play with my tail any day!

ARBOK: (blanching) Are you serious?  I've never heard so many perverse hormonal labels in one sentence…

FLAREON: Dead serious, honey!  If getting in this contract can get me closer to him, then sign me up a million times!

ARBOK: (looking sick) Is that your only drive for being in the show?  Don't you have any special talents or anything?

FLAREON: Oh, honey, you have no idea…(wink)

ARBOK: (grimace) And I bet I do.

FLAREON: (sultry smile) Oh, just a sec, though honey!  There's just one little thing I wanted to have added to my part of the contract.

ARBOK: (irritated) And that would be?

FLAREON: Yeah, I was wondering if you could add permission for me to kill off the competition?  I'm not literate in all this legal stuff, but I didn't want to run into any complications when I knock off the redheaded bitch.

ARBOK; (eye twitch) Sorry…no killing policies allowed.  Unless it's me killing you, you hussy!

FLAREON: (pouting cutely) Aw, really?  Damn.

ARBOK: I believe our transaction has ended.  (stamps a huge 'DENIED' on Flareon's papers)

FLAREON: (upset) What does that stamp say?

ARBOK: (stamping her in the forehead with the 'DENIED' stamp) DENIED!!

**(Flareon is knocked out by the stamp)**

ARBOK: (looking down at her in irritation) Oh, damn!  Clean up, get in here!

**(Victreebell and Lickitung rush over and salute)**

BOTH: Yo!

ARBOK: Please dispose of this trash!

**(Victreebell happily dives on the unconscious Flareon and tries to swallow her)**

LICKITUNG: (smacking Victreebell with his tongue) Hey, share damnit!!  Leggo!

VICTREEBELL: (hopping away with Flareon) No!  Mine!  MINE MINE MINE!!!

**(Lickitung runs after him angrily, yelling threats)**

ARBOK: (sigh) I really need to get Jesse to renew my Prozac prescription…(looks at his list) Good God, there's more of these crazy people?!

**(Gastly materializes, looking irritated)**

GASTLY: We prefer the term, "mentally ill".

ARBOK: Yaagh!  Don't DO that, damnit!!

GASTLY: Do what?

ARBOK: That-that popping out of nowhere stuff!  It gives me the blinkin' creeps!

GASTLY: Oh, you mean this? (disappears and pops up right in his face) BOO!

ARBOK: (jumps a foot) YAAAAAGHHH!!!

GASTLY: (retreats to a comfortable distance) Okay.  Got ya.  I won't do that.

ARBOK: (shaking) O-okay…N-now, where was I?

GASTLY: Sitting, I believe?

ARBOK: Huh?

GASTLY: You forgot to come back down after you jumped.

ARBOK: I WHAT?!  (looks down and realizes he's a foot off the ground)  I CAN'T FLY!!

GASTLY: Yes, I believe you can't.

**(Arbok crashes into his apple barrel desk)**

GASTLY: Ouch.

ARBOK: [censored for the faint of heart]

GASTLY: If words were rainbows…

ARBOK: (rights himself) Okay!  That's it!  Enough of this!  Gastly, would you profit the show?!

GASTLY: Sure.  What the hell.

ARBOK: Okay—great!  You're approved!  Now scram!!

GASTLY: I believe I will.  This snake needs anger management bad  (disappears)

ARBOK: I need a drink…

**Scene II**

**(Jesse and James are stuffed inside a phone booth outside of the PokéCenter)**

JAMES: (whining) Jesse, why are we in this phone booth?!  I can't even move in here!

JESSE: Are you suggesting I'm fat?!

JAMES: Uh, no.

JESSE: Then shut up!  We're in a phone booth because you usually have to use a phone to call people, imbecile!

JAMES: Who are we calling, Jess?

JESSE: The photo development place!  Neko and Galaxia just went there to get that film developed.

JAMES: (wide eyed) You mean the film with—

JESSE: Yes, I mean that film.

JAMES: Um, if they're already there, then how are we supposed to stop them from getting it developed?

JESSE: Simple.  I call in a fake bomb threat to the photo place, then when everyone has evacuated, we destroy the evidence.

JAMES: That's a brilliant plan, Jesse!

JESSE: (grin) I know!

JAMES: But why am I in the phone booth, too?

JESSE: Well…Because.  James, just shut up.

JAMES: But Jesse, it's really cramped in here!  And it only takes one person to make a phone call anyway!  Can't I just—

JESSE: (clamping a hand over his mouth) Oh, put a sock in it!  I'll tell you why you're in here once I'm done making my call!  (dials the photo place)

PHOTO CLERK: Hello, this is Fading Memories Film Development, how may I help you?

JESSE: (using Ash's voice) Hi, my name's Ash Ketchum and I'm calling to tell you that this morning I planted a bomb in your bathroom!

PHOTO CLERK: OHMIGOD!!!  THIS CAN'T BE REAL!!

JESSE: (still in Ash's voice) Oh, you bet it's real, buddy!  In exactly thirty minutes, Fading Memories is gonna' be blown sky high!  (imitating Ash's retarded laughter)

PHOTO CLERK: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!  YOU SICK LITTLE BOY!!!

JESSE: (Ash's voice) You bet I am!  I'm a crazy nut!  Would you like my home phone number and address?  It's 123-4567, 1515 Beechwood Row, Pallet Town.  Thank you for your time, sucker! (hangs up)  (in her own voice) Ha, ha, ha, those suckers!

JAMES: Mmmphff!

JESSE: Oh!  (takes her hand off his mouth) Sorry about that.

JAMES: This is great!  Now we're going to get that film destroyed as well as that Brat!

JESSE: Oh, yeah!  I'm a genius!

JAMES: We really need to work on your modesty…

JESSE: Shut up!

JAMES: Well?

JESSE: Well what?

JAMES: Are we going to get that film destroyed or not?

JESSE: Mm-hmm.  This first though.  (pins him against the glass and kisses him)

JAMES: (after she's pulled away) So is that why you brought me in here?

JESSE: Yep.  You'd better not tell anyone though!

JAMES: Okay.

**(Both make-out for awhile)**

JAMES: I guess I don't really mind the fact that I've lost the feeling in my left shoulder…

JESSE: Stupid cheap one-person phone booths!

**(Go back to making-out)**

**Scene III**

**(Chan-saw, Evil Bear-mon and Raichu are sitting in the hide-out kitchen, mixing drinks and raiding the refrigerator)**

***Again, pre-translated***

RAICHU: (climbing through the fridge and tossing things onto the floor) Rai!  There's nothing edible in here, y'know!  Haven't these people heard of grocery shopping?!

EVIL BEAR-MON: (sipping a martini) Grocery day's not until next week.

RAICHU: (poking his head out of the fridge) What the hell are you supposed to do until then, y'know?

EVIL BEAR-MON & CHAN-SAW: Starve.

**(Chan-saw is busily concocting a drink of everything alcohol in the house, hands a blur of bottles, cans, and kegs)**

CHAN-SAW: We could order a pizza.

EVIL BEAR-MON: It'd never work.

RAICHU: And why not?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Because every time we call the pizza boy, Jesse and Galaxia chase him off.

CHAN-SAW: Yeah, what's their problem?  He's just doing his job!

EVIL BEAR-MON: I have no idea.  But we're going to have to think of something else.

RAICHU: (eyeing the pantry) Hmm, what's in here? (opens the door)

**(The pantry is decked out like some sort of bomb shelter, complete with military cot, two-way radio, and bottled water)**

EVIL BEAR-MON: (sipping his drink) Looks like Meowth still thinks Evil House-mon's after him.

CHAN-SAW: No, I heard it's a Black Ninja now.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Victreebell supposedly ate the Black Ninja.

CHAN-SAW: I'll have to talk to him about that.

RAICHU: Okay.  I'm disturbed now, y'know.  (slams the pantry door shut)  Well, we've established that everyone in this house is a nut, including the cat, and the only thing edible around here is the alcohol.

CHAN-SAW: There's nothing wrong with drinking your meal!  (finishes mixing her drink and happily chugs it)

RAICHU: Well the least they could do is leave us some corn nuts, y'know.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Okay, I agree with that one.

CHAN-SAW: You guys just don't have a high enough tolerance.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Compared to you, no one does.

CHAN-SAW: Jesse and Neko rank pretty close.

RAICHU: And I thought I was an alcoholic, y'know. (starts to leave)

CHAN-SAW: Where are you goin'?

RAICHU: To find some real fun, y'know.

EVIL BEAR-MON: That'd take a lifetime.

RAICHU: (sarcastic) Ha, ha.

CHAN-SAW: Hey, I heard Neko and Galaxia got hold of some raunchy photos or something.

RAICHU: That sounds juicy, y'know…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Let's say we take a looky?

RAICHU: (grin) Let's, y'know!  Where are they, Chan-saw?

CHAN-SAW: They just left to get them developed a few minutes ago.

EVIL BEAR-MON: So why don't we join them?

RAICHU: Okay.  But I ain't paying for bus tabs, y'know.

CHAN-SAW: Well neither am I.

EVIL BEAR-MON: You're not making me pay for them again!

RAICHU: We need to find someone stupid enough to pay for us, y'know.

CHAN-SAW: Okay.  Where's James?

RAICHU: Wait!  I know the perfect sucker, y'know!

CHAN-SAW: Who's a bigger sucker than James?

RAICHU: A certain James' Pokémon, y'know…

**Scene IV**

**(Neko and Galaxia are pouting on the curb in front of the PokéCenter)**

GALAXIA: I can't believe someone called in a bomb threat to the photo development place!

NEKO: What kind of moron sends a bomb threat to a photo development place anyway?

GALAXIA: I don't know.  All I heard was it was some dumb kid from Pallet.

NEKO: Okay, this just bites!  Now we can't get that film developed until next week!

GALAXIA: Why next week?

NEKO: I don't know.  I think they're remodeling or fumigating after this or something.

GALAXIA: (sigh) Wow, that really does bite.

**(Jesse and James walk up, slightly disheveled and grinning proudly)**

JESSE: Hey you two!  Why so blue?

GALAXIA: Some dumb-ass called in a bomb threat to the photo developing center.

NEKO: Now we have to wait another damn week to get Gastly's film developed.

JAMES: Aw, isn't that just too bad!

JESSE: I'm sure those pictures weren't worth it anyway…

NEKO: (looks up at them quizzically) And why are you two so chipper all of a sudden?

JESSE: Oh, no reason.

JAMES: (sniff) Can't you just let us be happy?!

NEKO: (sarcastic) Gee, I'm so sorry.  (dryly) James, your jacket's on backwards.

**(James looks down at himself and realizes the 'R' is on his back)**

GALAXIA: (curious) Hey Jess, what's with the lighter fluid?

JESSE: Um, we were going to go home and…um…have a barbecue…

JAMES: We were?

JESSE: (glare) Yes.  We were.

GALAXIA: (cheery) I like barbecues!

NEKO: (eyeing Jesse and James suspiciously) I swear, you two have been acting weird lately…

JAMES: (hasty) No we haven't now let's go home and have that barbecue!!

**(James grabs Neko by the arm and Jesse grabs Galaxia, and they both drag them home)**

CHAN-SAW: (getting there just as they leave) Sey!  Chansey-chan?!

**[Whoops.  Forgot the translator]**

CHAN-SAW: Hey!  Where are they going?!

RAICHU: Did I hear barbecue?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Was that lighter fluid?

CHAN-SAW: (weird look) Was James' jacket on backwards?

RAICHU: Aw, who cares, y'know!  They're going home and I think food's involved so I'm following, y'know!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Seconded!  Okay, Weezing, back on the bus!

WEEZING: Yes, new Master.

**Scene V**

**(Everyone's back home having a barbecue on the front lawn)**

JESSE: (sigh) Ahh!  There's nothing like a barbecue at the end of a nice day!

NEKO: (glaring at her burnt hot dog) Or a worthless day…

**(Meowth walks up and sits down on the porch sadly)**

JESSE: Hey Meowth, where have you been?

MEOWTH: (sigh) At da beach.

NEKO: Still?

JESSE: How did your sandcastle work out?

MEOWTH: It was a failure.

JESSE: What happened?

MEOWTH: First da main tower collapsed on itself and knocked out half da inner wall.  Then da attack squids killed an' ate da sharks and used dey're carcasses ta break out of da moat and start attacking beach goers.

NEKO: Man, that bites.

MEOWTH: (sigh) Yeah…

GALAXIA: (crying) James, my burger's still red inside!

JAMES: It's just a little rare.

GALAXIA: How come it's still cold?

ARBOK: (curled up in the grass dejectedly) ***translated* What a lousy day!  So far I have only two Pokémon and myself on the contract, and both of them are idiotic reform school drop outs!**

**(James comes over and offers Arbok a burger coaxingly)**

JAMES: James?  Jay, jay, james?

ARBOK: (glaring at him moodily) No, I don't want the burger!  It's not even cooked, you buffoon!

**[Okay, turning off translator now…^_^;]**

JESSE: James, I told you to stop feeding food that's fallen on the ground to my Pokémon!  Now look what you did!

JAMES: But it didn't fall on the ground—Galaxia threw it!

JESSE: It doesn't matter how it got there!  Just don't feed it to them!

JAMES: (weep) Jesse, are you going to unfreeze me?!

JESSE: (sweetly) I don't know…You need to learn your lesson.

JAMES: (panicking) JESSE!!!

JESSE: (sigh) Alright, alright!  (evil grin) I guess there's funner ways to teach you a lesson…

**(She starts dragging James into the house by his collar)**

GALAXIA: (looking up from the grill) Jesse, where're ya going?  Your burger's not even done yet!

JESSE: (grin) Don't worry, I'm just going to melt James!  I'll be back in an hour!

JAMES: Could you save me a burger?

JESSE: Oh, you won't be hungry when I'm done with you…

NEKO: (watching them leave) She beats him up way too much.

GALAXIA: (confused) I hope she's not going to use the oven to melt him.

ARBOK: (making gagging motions with his tail) Chaaaaah-bokUH!

VICTREEBELL: (choking) Eeee!!  Eee-eee!!  (coughs up Flareon and the Black Ninja)

FLAREON: (weakly) Flare…

BLACK NINJA: FREE!!  FREE AT LAST!!  (runs off, laughing insanely)

NEKO: Nani?!

GALAXIA: Victreebell needs to learn to stop eating everything he sees.

**(The Black Ninja runs back, grabs the burger that fell on the ground, then runs off again)**

**Scene VI**

**(The next morning.  We find Jesse and James hanging out on the front porch)**

JESSE: James, since when do you smoke?

JAMES: Since last night.

JESSE: Hmm, it does make you want to start, doesn't it?

JAMES: Oh, yeah! (starts swinging in the porch swing lazily)

JESSE: (thoughtful) James, whatever happened to Seagull? I wanted to have her over for the barbecue last night.

**(Flash to Seagull still trapped on the beach)**

SEAGULL: GET ME OUT OF THIS BUBBLE!!!!!!

**(Back on the porch)**

JAMES: Well I called her.  She must still be practicing to be a mime.

JESSE: Huh.  You know, I've never been able to figure her out.

JAMES: She's a weird one.

**(Jesse stands up and stretches)**

JESSE: Well, I'm going to the bathhouse now.

JAMES: (hopeful) Can I come?

JESSE: No, you can _not!_

JAMES: Damn.

**END EPISODE FIVE**


	7. Episode 6: All the World’s a Stage

(7/5/00 & 7/10/00) **Episode #6: All the World's a Stage**

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

EVIL BEAR-MON

CHAN-SAW

WEEZING

VICTREEBELL

RAICHU

GASTLY

another crazy NURSE JOY imposter

and a SECURITY GUARD

plus the cast of Scooby-Doo

**Scene I**

**(James, Meowth, Neko-chan and Evil Bear-mon are watching television in the hideout's living room)**

JAMES: You're making that up!

MEOWTH: No ahm not!  It's true, I swear!

JAMES: That's crazy!

MEOWTH: But it's da truth.

JAMES: Scooby-Doo used to be a porn?!?  Get real!

MEOWTH: (irritated) It is real, moron!  I heard it from very reliable sources!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil.  E-viiiil.

JAMES: WHAT?!?

MEOWTH: See!  Told ya I wasn't lyin'!  (slashes James)

NEKO: (thinking out loud) I hate Scrappy-Doo.

JAMES: That's disgusting!!  (thoughtful) But it does explain why Fred was always pairing up with Daphne…

MEOWTH: Oh, blech!  Now you're grossin' _me out!_

NEKO: (still talking to herself) I really hate Scrappy-Doo.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil.  Eee-eevil, evil, evil.

JAMES: Hey, you're right!  Shaggy does say 'like' a lot!

NEKO: God, I hate Scrappy-Doo.

JAMES: …and he eats a lot too.  That reminds me—I haven't had lunch…

**(On the TV, Shaggy and Scooby scream in terror and run into a diner where they start eating)**

MEOWTH: You know, Shaggy reminds me of someone…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeevil.

JAMES: You said it!  We should order Chinese!

MEOWTH: Now I know.

NEKO: (jumping up) Who else here hates Scrappy-Doo?!

JAMES: Me.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eev.

MEOWTH: Mee-_owth.  I hate dogs…_

JAMES: Where's the number for Leon Chin's?

NEKO: They should have a freak accident and kill him off some how…

JAMES: (whining) I can't find the phone book!  Who stole the phone book?!

NEKO: …lightning storm or disastrous typhoon, I think.  Or maybe a wood-chipper accident.

JAMES: Why is the 'take-out' section missing from the yellow pages?!

NEKO: That's it!  I'm starting a campaign to kill Scrappy-Doo off of the show!  Where's my black market auto-dialer?

JAMES: I WANT CHINESE, DAMNIT!!  I WANT CHINESE!!!

MEOWTH: (to E.B.) I think we're da only normal ones here.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eev.

NEKO: How about that place downtown who's number's on the fridge?  They do take-out.

JAMES: (crying) But I want it "in a bowl"!!

**Scene II**

**(Jesse and Galaxia are down at the PokéCenter)**

GALAXIA: I really hate having to do this, but it's the only way.

JESSE: Yeah, I'll kick you out of the house if you don't do it!

GALAXIA: (cringe) Eek, don't hurt me!  Why do you care so much all of a sudden anyway?

JESSE: What do you mean "all of a sudden"?!  I always hated your Flareon running around humping things and howling to be let out in the middle of the night!

GALAXIA: Humping James, you mean.  She's female—she doesn't hump objects.

JESSE: (grumbling) Oh whatever.  James, objects; what's the difference?

GALAXIA: (confused) Uh…???

JESSE: Exactly.

GALAXIA: Well, aaaaanyway…speaking of howling, why was Flareon howling at _your door the other night?  Doesn't she usually howl at James' door?_

JESSE: (impatient) Are you going to get that damn thing fixed or not?!

GALAXIA: Well yes, but you didn't answer my—

JESSE: (shoving her towards the front desk) Chop, chop, time's a wasting!

NURSE JOY: Finally!  I was about to have you two thrown out for loitering!  So, what do you want?

GALAXIA: Uh, I—

JESSE: You're not Nurse Joy!

NURSE JOY: Of course I am.  Read the sign, Red.

GALAXIA: I don't remember Nurse Joy having facial hair…

JESSE: Okay, buddy, what did you do with the real Nurse Joy?!

NURSE JOY: I told you miss, I am Nurse Joy!  Now are you going let me help your Pokémon or am I going to have to have you thrown out?!

JESSE: I'm not giving you my Pokémon until you show me I.D.!

GALAXIA: Jesse, maybe she's telling the truth…

JESSE: SHE?!?  That's the worst guy in drag I've ever seen!!

NURSE JOY: HEY!!

JESSE: Alright buddy, enough with the crappy wig and crooked lipstick!!  (grabbing Joy by the collar) MY PARTNER MAKES A BETTER WOMAN THAN YOU DO!!!!

GALAXIA: (whining) Jesse, people are staring!

NURSE JOY: (shrieking) AGH HELP, POLICE, HELP!!!  SOMEBODY!!!

JESSE: YOU UGLY CROSS-DRESSING PHONY, LET NURSE JOY GO, DAMNIT!!!!!

SECURITY GUARD: Hey, hey!  What do you think you're doing?!  Let Nurse Joy go!

NURSE JOY: (gurgling noises)

JESSE: YOU MORON, CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS A MAN?!?!  (tries to take Joy's hair off)  Damnit…come…off!!!  Why won't it…come…off?!?!!

NURSE JOY: BECAUSE IT'S REAL, YOU NEUROTIC PSYCOPATH!!  SECURITY, GET THIS WOMAN OFF OF ME!!!

GUARD: Of course, ma'am!  (drags Jesse off of Joy)

GALAXIA: (diving on the security guard) Let go of her you filthy pig!!  Let her go!!  You're not arresting my friend!!

GUARD: Ow, ow!!  Now there's two psychos!!

JESSE: (dryly) Galaxia, get off of the security guard.

GALAXIA: (blink) Oh.  He let you go.  (leaves the guard alone)

GUARD: (moan) Owwwiiee…

GALAXIA: Sorry!

GUARD: (groan) Now why were you attacking Nurse Joy, young lady?

JESSE: (furious) THAT'S NOT NURSE JOY!!!  CAN'T YOU TELL A MAN IN DRAG WHEN YOU SEE ONE, YOU HALF-WITTED FOOL?!?!!

GUARD: (dryly) For your information, Miss Joy is _not a man in drag.  She is the great-aunt of the Nurse Joy who __usually runs this PokéCenter._

JESSE: (getting those blue lines) Ah…ah ha ha…

GALAXIA: I told you she was telling the truth.

NURSE JOY: (huffy) I have never been so insulted in my life!!  The nerve!!

SECURITY GUARD: Calm down, Miss Joy.  It was an honest mistake.

NURSE JOY: Honest mistake my ass!!  I want to see these two rotting in jail, officer!!

GUARD: (nervous) Ma'am, I'm just a security guard…

GALAXIA: (pouting) Hey, I didn't do anything!

JESSE: (ticked; hands on hips) Hey, you old bat, he said it was a mistake!

NURSE JOY: Why you—I'LL KILL YOU!!!

GUARD: (sigh) Okay, Miss Joy.  Time to take you back to the "Center"…

NURSE JOY: (getting dragged off) No, wait!!  I didn't mean it!!  I'm sorry!!  Please don't make me go back there!!!  NOOOOOOO!!!!!

GUARD: Jeez, this is the second Joy this week to be carted off to the nut house…

GALAXIA: Why did you have to do that?

JESSE: I didn't do anything!  The woman was a nut!  (sigh) Damn!  Now we can't get Flareon fixed!

GALAXIA: YAY!!

JESSE: WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?!?!!!

GALAXIA: (cringing) Well, now I can use the money from the operation to go shopping…

JESSE: YOU MORO—hmm, that sounds like a good idea.  Let's get out of here.

GALAXIA: Yay!  (thoughtful) By the way, Jess, I still wanna' know why Flareon was howling outside your door the other night…

JESSE: No you don't…

GALAXIA: No, I'm really curious.

JESSE: Just shut up.

GALAXIA: Come on, Jesse!  I really wanna' know!!  I'm gonna' get really worried if Flareon starts going after girls!

JESSE: Believe me, that's not it…

GALAXIA: Then what is it?  What else could it—

JESSE: DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU SHOPPING OR NOT?!!

GALAXIA: (whining) Jeeeesssseeeeeee…!!

**Scene III**

**(James, Neko, Meowth, Evil Bear-mon and James' and Neko's Pokémon are in the hideout kitchen eating Chinese food)**

NEKO: I want more egg-fu-young; what should I do?

JAMES: (squinting like Brock) Put it in a bowl.

MEOWTH: Shut up!

NEKO: (snicker) My sink keeps leaking; what should I do?

JAMES: (still squinting) Put it in a bowl!

MEOWTH: Shut up!!

NEKO: (shouting) I can't find my hamster; what should I do?!

JAMES: PUT IT IN A BOWL!!

MEOWTH: STOP IT WITH THE BOWL CRAP!!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil evil evil; eve?

JAMES & NEKO: PUT IT IN A BOWL!!

MEOWTH: AAARRRRGGGH!!!! (smashes his bowl over James' head)  Now you're in a bowl, damnit!

JAMES: (noodles dripping down his face) Hey, that's a good one Meowth!

MEOWTH: (smashes his head against the table)  Damn…you…

WEEZING: Wee?

VICTREEBELL: Eeeee!  (attempts to swallow James' head)

JAMES: AAAGGGH!!!

NEKO: Bad Victreebell!  No more Chinese for you!

**(Victreebell mopes a little then let's James go)**

MEOWTH: I think Victreebell was as tired of da bowl cracks as I was.

JAMES: Meowth, don't be such a party pooper!

MEOWTH: I am not a party pooper!

NEKO: Party pooper!

MEOWTH: Aw, shaddup!

RAICHU: Rai, rai, rai.  Rai, rai.

GASTLY: (nodding) Gas, gastly!

MEOWTH: (suspicious) Hey, what'd da rat just say?

NEKO: James, what are we going to do now?

JAMES: I don't know.  What do you want to do?

MEOWTH: Please don't start dat!

JAMES: Start what?

NEKO: You wanna' go to the beach?

JAMES: It looks like a storm.

NEKO: The carnival?

MEOWTH: Da carnival left.

NEKO: (weeping) Is there nothing to do?!!

JAMES: We could make origami!

MEOWTH: AGH!!  I HATE ORIGAMI!!  ORIGAMI IS EVIL—MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!

JAMES: Oh, I forgot.  The Black Ninja makes origami.

MEOWTH: AGH, THE BLACK NINJA!!  MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!

NEKO: I think you shouldn't mention him either.

JAMES: Oh.  Yeah.

VICTREEBELL: Eeeee! (swallows the kitchen table)

NEKO: I know what we can do.  (grabs James by the arm) Come on, let's go!

JAMES: Go where?  And what are we doing?

NEKO: You'll see.  Now let's see…we're going to need some scissors, some glue, and a Goodwill.

JAMES: What kind of idea _is this?!_

**Scene IV**

**(Jesse and Galaxia are getting home from shopping)**

GALAXIA: You're not mad, are you?

JESSE: Mad?  About what?

GALAXIA: Well…I spent all my money.

JESSE: So.  It's not my money.

GALAXIA: Well as long as you're not mad that I spent all of my money and can't afford to get Flareon fixed now…

JESSE: AAAAGGGHHH!!!  NOOO!!!

GALAXIA: (pout) I thought you'd be mad.

JESSE: WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!  WHERE'S THE TABLE?!?!!

GALAXIA: Oh, good!  You weren't mad about that!

JESSE: Mad about what?

GALAXIA: Nothing.  Look at all the Chinese food!!

JESSE: Damnit James, where are you?!

JAMES: (poking his head around the door) Oh, you're home!

JESSE: James, who did this?!

JAMES: Um, radioactive Chinese acrobatic pandas?

GALAXIA: They really _do exist!_

JESSE: (pissed) James, you'd better get in here right now and—

JAMES: Just a second, Jess!  We've got something to show you guys!

JESSE: We?

NEKO: (from the living room) Hit the lights, Meowth!

GALAXIA: Ooh, it's some kind of show!

JESSE: What's going on…?

**(Jesse and Galaxia go into the living room where a stage has been set up)**

GALAXIA: How exciting!

JESSE: What are you twits doing?

**(A spotlight appears over James and Neko on stage; the two are dressed in suit and gown, respectively)**

NEKO: Ladies and…uh…ladies!!  Welcome to Neko-chan and James' All-star Variety Hour!!

JAMES: Featuring (striking a pose) the dashing James!

JESSE: Oh brother…

NEKO: The amazing Neko-chan! (strikes an impressive pose)

JAMES: As well as their Pokémon!

GALAXIA: (clapping) Yay!

NEKO: And now—

MEOWTH: (offstage) Hey, what about me?!

JAMES: Shut up, you're just the stage-hand!

MEOWTH: Well I quit!

NEKO: (hissing) Meowth, shut up!  You're ruining the show!  (throws a shoe at him)

MEOWTH: OW!!

JAMES: Now, as we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted…

NEKO: We present to you "The Victory of Team Rocket"!

JAMES: As performed by Weezing!

NEKO: Victreebell!

JAMES: Raichu and Chan-saw!

NEKO: And featuring Evil Bear-mon as Pikachu, and Gastly as Meowth!

MEOWTH: (offstage) This is stupid!  Why can't I play myself, you morons?!

JAMES: Because it wouldn't be a play then, duh!

JESSE: (moan) When is this over?

NEKO: (haughty) Quiet in the wings, please!

**(The curtains open to reveal a hastily painted forest background and the Pokémon.  Chan-saw and Raichu are dressed as Jesse and James, Victreebell is dressed as Ash, and Weezing is dressed as Misty (complete w/wig and ponytail).  Evil Bear-mon is wearing cardboard Pikachu ears with his cheeks painted red and a cardboard tail.  Gastly is disguised as a creepy looking Meowth)**

**(Galaxia bursts out laughing)**

JESSE: Maybe if I close my eyes it will all go away…

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (voiced by Neko) I am Ash Ketchum!  I want to be the greatest Pokémon Master in the world!  Ya-tada-da!  (strikes an "Ash" pose)

MISTY/WEEZING: (voiced by James) Oh Ash!  You're so stupid but I love you!  (reluctantly kisses "Ash" on the head)

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (voiced by Neko) Stop revolting us with your sappy woos talk, twerps and hand over Pikachu!

GALAXIA: Wow, she sounds just like you, Jesse!

JESSE: Why am I being played by a _fat Pokémon?!_

PIKACHU/E.BEAR: (lackluster) Pika.  Chu.

ASH/VICTREEBELL: Never, Team Rocket!  You're evil and I'm going to beat you!  (attempts to swallow Weezing)

MISTY/WEEZING: Oh, Ash!  You're so brave!  (poison gases Victreebell to get him off of his head)

JAMES/RAICHU: (voiced by James) Not so fast, Brat!  We have the perfect plan this time!

MISTY/WEEZING: (gasp) No!  Ash, save us!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (evil laughter)

JESSE: Ooh, you're right.  She is good.

MEOWTH/GASTLY: (imitating Meowth's voice) No one can save you now, twerps!  Hand ova' da Pikachu and perhaps we'll spare your lives!

MEOWTH: (offstage) That sounds nothing like me!

GALAXIA: Meowth, quit interrupting!

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (gasp) You monsters!  Never!!  I will fight you!

JAMES/RAICHU: Not if I…steal your Pokémon!  (Raichu walks over and steals Victreebell's belt)

ASH/VICTREEBELL: Oh no!  There is no hope now!  (tries to eat Raichu)

JAMES: (offstage) Victreebell, that's not really me!

JESSE: We really need to have that Pokémon checked…

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: Now we have all your Pokémon brat!  You are helpless!  (evil laughter) And now we will destroy you with our secret weapon!

MISTY/WEEZING: Secret weapon?!  Oh no!

JAMES/RAICHU: You will never survive!  Hand over Pikachu!

PIKACHU/E.BEAR: (walks towards "Team Rocket") Pika pi.

ASH/VICTREEBELL: Pikachu, no!  Don't give up!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (chuckle) But it's hopeless, boy!  Now we have Pikachu and all your Pokémon—

JAMES/RAICHU: …And now we will have our revenge!

**(Raichu, Chan-saw and Gastly throw back their heads in evil laughter)**

JESSE: Maybe I'm starting to like this play.

GALAXIA: (excited) Come on!  What's the secret weapon?!!

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (defeated) You have me, Team Rocket.  You're too smart for me.  I give up.

MISTY/WEEZING: Me too!  You're all so scary!

JESSE: Awe, man!  They surrendered!  I wanted to see them get killed!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (evil laughter) Too late!  Team Rocket doesn't play by the rules!

MEOWTH/GASTLY: We're gonna' destroy you anyway!

GALAXIA: Yay!

JESSE: Ya-hoo!

JAMES/RAICHU: Fire the secret weapon!

**(A cardboard cannon is pushed on stage and pretends to fire.  A handful of Teletubbie stuffed animals fly out of the cannon onto Victreebell and Weezing)**

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (pretending to die) Agh!  No, we're dying!

MISTY/WEEZING: Team Rocket…you fight…dirty!!  (gurgling noises)

MEOWTH/GASTLY: Da enemy has been destroyed!

GALAXIA: (clapping) YAY!!

JESSE: YA-HOO!!  WAY TA GO!

NEKO: (offstage) And Team Rocket lived happily ever after!

JAMES/RAICHU: Jesse!  I must confess my feelings for you!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: Oh, James!  I wanna' have your baby!  (pretends to kiss Raichu)

JESSE: WHA—?!?!!

GALAXIA: (making a face) Eeeeww. Pokémon kissing!

NEKO: (whispering) They're not really kissing!  (out loud) THE END!!

**(The curtains close)**

JAMES: Neko, I don't remember that part in the story!

NEKO: I added it when you were busy making costumes.

GALAXIA: I loved your play, you guys!  (making a face) Though the ending was a little gross…

JAMES: Why didn't you tell me?!  I would have edited it out!

NEKO: That's why I didn't tell you.

JESSE: What the hell was that ending suppose to imply?!

JAMES: (nervous) Nothing!  It was just a play!  Besides, she wrote it!

NEKO: Now chill out Jesse…I was only—

JESSE: Chill out?!  Oh yeah?!  (dives on Neko)

GALAXIA: I still liked it.

JAMES: (pout) We didn't get to finish the rest of the show!

MEOWTH: (walking up to Gastly) What kind of half-assed acting was dat, ya numbskull?!  You call yourself a Meowth?!

GASTLY: (still as a Meowth) Yeah!  You wanna' make sompin' of it?!

MEOWTH: Dat's it, wise guy!  I'll teach youse ta mock me!!  (dives on Gastly but hits the ground as he disappears)

GASTLY: (reappearing behind Meowth) Gastly!  Gastly, gastly!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Pika.  Chu.

**END EPISODE SIX**


	8. Episode 7: Just Call Me, Little Nyasu!

(7/13/00-7/16/00) **Episode #7: Just Call Me, Little Nyasu!**

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

ARBOK

RAICHU

BUTCH

CASSIDY

WASHU (from Tenchi Muyo!)

plus some PRISON GUARDS, a SEARCH party, some attack dogs, a Mexican jail GUARD, some illegal alien MEXICAN GUY, a grocery snatching old lady, a CASHIER, BATMAN and Robin, their butler ALFRED, the Batmobile, a copy of Cosmopolitan, and a partridge in a pear tree!  (j/k—about the last one)

**Scene I**

**(A large high-security prison.  It's night—searchlights crisscross the grounds as sirens fill the air)**

PRISON GUARD: Hurry!  They've escaped!

GUARD 2: Form a search party—they couldn't have gotten far!

**(As the men scramble across the woods in a wild man-hunt, two shadows detach themselves from the outer wall and slip unnoticed into the woods)**

SHADOW 1: The place is crawling with guards!  We'll never make it!

SHADOW 2: Don't give up!  Freedom is just over that hill!  Let's make a run for it!

**(The two shadows dash out of the cover of trees towards the hill and into the light, revealing themselves to be the Team Rocket members Butch and Cassidy.   Suddenly, they freeze as searchlights hits them)**

SEARCHER: They're they are!  On the hill!

GUARD 3: Release the hounds!  Don't let them get away!

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (blink) …  AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

**(Cassidy turns to Butch suddenly and—)**

CASSIDY: Hey!  Snap out of it!

BUTCH: Huh?

**(Butch shakes his head and the high-security prison disappears.  It is replaced by a tiny, rat-infested cell in a ramshackle little jail in the middle of a Mexican nowhere)**

CASSIDY: Would you quit daydreaming over there and help me finish tunneling out of here?!

BUTCH: Okay.

**(The two finish the tunnel and emerge on the outside of the cell)**

CASSIDY: Finally!  We're out of that rat-infested foreign nightmare!

BUTCH: Yagh!  Be quiet, the guard's gonna' here us!

CASSIDY: Oh, pish!  The guard could care less!  (waves for the guard's attention)  Oh Mr. Guard!  Yoo-hoo!  We tunneled out of our cell and now we're escaping across the border!

BUTCH: (turning blue) Aaagh!!

GUARD: Huh?  Oh, si, bien.  Adios muchachos.  (under his breath) And good riddance…

CASSIDY: See?  What I tell you?

BUTCH: (sigh) So much for the great Team Rocket.  We don't even get searchlights or search parties.  Not even attack dogs.

CASSIDY: What are you on?

**(The two hop a truck to the border)**

BUTCH: I hope the Boss doesn't fire us.

CASSIDY: Jess and James get away with far worse and he's never fired them.

BUTCH: But they never got arrested and sent to a Mexican jail in the middle of nowhere.

CASSIDY: Well…they blew up half his gym.

BUTCH: They did?  Ooh, you're right.  He's definitely not going to fire us for this.

CASSIDY: Speaking of Jess and James, they've got something coming for getting us arrested in the first place!

BUTCH: Twice!

CASSIDY: Right.  That's double revenge.

BUTCH: And they tried to steal our Pokémon twice, and they ruined our Breeding Center scam…and the island scam with the Drowzee…and tricked us and humiliated us and butchered our motto and—

CASSIDY: I GET THE POINT YOU DOLT!!! (whacks him over the head)

BUTCH: I was just trying to show how a really big payback was in order.

CASSIDY: To who, the illegal aliens in here?!

MEXICAN GUY: Como esta?

CASSIDY: Shut up!

MEXICAN GUY: Si.

CASSIDY: Do you even understand what I'm saying?

MEXICAN GUY: Si.

CASSIDY: No you don't!

MEXICAN GUY: Si.

CASSIDY: Aaaaargh!

BUTCH: You're going to get eaten alive in the States.

MEXICAN GUY: Si.

CASSIDY: We should have taken the bus.

BUTCH: I thought this was the bus.

**(Cassidy whacks him over the head)**

**Scene II**

**(We find James and Neko being very bored in the backyard)**

JAMES: Join me on the dark side, Luke!  Together, we shall rule the galaxy as father and son!

NEKO: No!  I'll never join you!  (attacks him with a broomstick but James parries the attack with his rake)

JAMES: Then you will die, young Skywalker!  (pretends to cut Neko's hand off)

NEKO: Aagh, my hand!  The pain, the pain!  (ketchup starts spurting from her sleeve where her hand is missing)  Aaaagh!

JAMES: Eew, gross!

NEKO: (waving her stump in his face) Bleeeeh!!

JAMES: Come on, you're getting ketchup on my uniform!

NEKO: (still playing) I'll never join you, Darth Vader because I am going to take over the galaxy and rule it by myself, making everyone in the galaxy my slaves!

JAMES: Neko, he never said that.

NEKO: I know, but he should have.  (pops her hand back out of her sleeve)  We really need to find something better to do.

JAMES: Yeah.  (weep) I wish Jesse was here!

NEKO: Don't be a baby.

JAMES: Sorry.

NEKO: Where is she, anyway?

JAMES: I have no idea.  I just felt like saying that.

JESSE: Hey, what are you two doing?

JAMES: (bear-hugging her) I found her!

NEKO: I wouldn't exactly call having her walk right into your arms 'finding' her.

**(James sticks his tongue out at her)**

JESSE: James, please let me go.

JAMES: Sorry.

NEKO: You say that a lot, don't you?

**(James sticks his tongue out at her)**

JESSE: (brushing herself off) Well, I can see you two are busy being morons again.  I'll see you two later.

JAMES: Wait!  Where are you going?!

JESSE: Grocery shopping.  Why?

NEKO: Oh right!  It's your week!  Alright, this means it's not my turn for another three weeks!

JAMES: Hey, doesn't that mean it's my turn next week?  Aw, damnit!

NEKO: Ha ha ha ha ha!!

JESSE: (sweat drop) I'll see you guys later…(tries to slip away)

JAMES & NEKO: Wait!  Take us with you!!

JESSE: Do I really want to subject myself to that…?

JAMES & NEKO: PleasePleasePleasePlease!!

JESSE: Alright.  But it's Saturday you guys—that means the stores going to be packed full of vicious housewives and senile old grannies mistaking small children for melons.

JAMES: Um, on second thought, we'll pass…(shudder)

NEKO: I don't want to get my head groped.

JAMES: Someone might mistake it for a watermelon.

**(Neko punches him)**

JESSE: Okay, I'm leaving now…(sneaks away)

NEKO: Well?  What are we gonna' do now?

JAMES: Let's go see what Meowth's been up to.

NEKO: Is he still hiding in the pantry from the Black Ninja?

JAMES: I think so.

NEKO: You just had to mention origami the other day.

JAMES: I wasn't thinking!

**(The two go into the kitchen and down into The Pantry, otherwise known as Meowth's Bomb shelter/Secret Lab)**

JAMES: Since when did we have a Bat Cave?

NEKO: Since Meowth went insane.

JAMES: Oh.  Makes sense.

MEOWTH: What are you two doing down here?

NEKO: Checking to make sure you were still alive.

MEOWTH: Ha ha.  Not funny.

JAMES: Where do you keep the Batmobile in this place?

NEKO: Actually, we just wanted to know if you were still hiding from the Black Ninja.

MEOWTH: BLACK NINJA?!!!!??  WHERE?!?!!!

JAMES: Shouldn't have said that.

NEKO: We really need to come up with some kind of code name for that guy.

JAMES: Yep.

MEOWTH: Cripes!  Don't scare me like dat!

NEKO: It's your own fault for being so paranoid.

MEOWTH: I am _not paranoid!_

JAMES: Black Ninja.

MEOWTH: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

NEKO: My mistake.  You're not paranoid.

JAMES: If paranoid were a lake.

MEOWTH: (panting) Is their a purpose for you two bein' down here or are you just havin' a contest ta see who can make me have a heart attack first?!

NEKO: I think the latter sounds like a good idea.

MEOWTH: Aaaargh!!

JAMES: Um, we just wanted to see what you're doing down here.  I've never been in a real Bat Cave before!

MEOWTH: It's not a Bat Cave, you twit!

JAMES: Then who's that guy?

BATMAN: Quick, Robin!  To the Batmobile!

**(Batman and Robin jump into the Batmobile and drive right through the cave wall.  A surprised Arbok and Raichu poke their heads through the hole from outside)**

MEOWTH: AAAAAGGH, MY WALL!!!!!

JAMES: Look on the bright side, at least you get a free butler!  (takes a cup of tea from the nearby butler) Is this herbal?

**(Butler nods)**

NEKO: I want some tea!

MEOWTH: (furious) DAT'S IT!!  OUT!!!  EVERYONE OUT!!

JAMES: But I haven't finished my tea yet!  (to the butler) More sugar, Alfred.

NEKO: Can't we just see what you're working on first?

MEOWTH: NO!

JAMES: Aw, come on!

MEOWTH: Will you leave then?

NEKO: Yeah, we'll leave.

MEOWTH: Okay, fine!  But you have ta leave right after!

JAMES: Can we take the butler with us?

MEOWTH: Fine.  He's not _my butler._

JAMES: Yay!  (hugs the butler tightly)

ALFRED: Oh God…

MEOWTH: (grumble) Let's get dis over with…

NEKO: Why are you always so cranky?

MEOWTH: I am not always so cranky!

JAMES: You're a big old crank.  Have some herbal tea!

MEOWTH: I don't want any herbal tea!

JAMES: Aw, come on!  You're going to hurt Alfred's feelings!

MEOWTH: I hate tea!  (pause) Do ya have any coffee though?

NEKO: Oh boy!

JAMES: Make sure it's decaf, Alfred.

**Scene III**

**(At the grocery store)**

JESSE: (sigh) Why did it have to be my week?  Hey!  Get your hands out of my cart!

**(Chases some old woman off with a frying pan)**

JESSE: Jeez, this isn't a store, it's a war zone!

CASHIER: Paper or plastic, ma'am?

JESSE: Um, which one's more environmentally friendly?

CASHIER: Paper.

JESSE: Then give me plastic.

CASHIER: Er, okay…

**(A couple rows down…)**

CASSIDY: My God, Butch, this isn't a store, it's—

BUTCH: It's a war zone.  I know, I know.  You've been saying that for the last hour.

CASSIDY: Really?  It's been an hour?  That's ridiculous, to be in a grocery store that long!

BUTCH: (dryly) I know.  You've also been saying _that for the last hour._

CASSIDY: Damnit, I'm starting to repeat myself we've been in here so long!

BUTCH: Actually, I think you picked that up in jail.

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch!  HEY LADY, HURRY IT UP, WILL YA?!

BUTCH: I wish you would have left me there.

CASSIDY: Left you where?

BUTCH: Jail, the plane, that illegal immigration truck.  Anywhere but here.

CASSIDY: Quit whining, buffoon!  HEY, DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM MY CART?!!  GET YOUR OWN SALTINES, YOU OLD BAG!!!

**(Beats the old woman off with a copy of Cosmopolitan)**

CASSIDY: Greedy old witch!

BUTCH: Why can't you just let the poor old lady have the crackers?  Maybe she can't reach the shelf they're on.

CASSIDY: Why can't she go bother one of the GAZILLION OTHER CUSTOMERS IN THIS STORE TO HELP HER?!!

BUTCH: Maybe she's mute.

CASSIDY: Maybe you're going to be mute…after I rip out your faulty little voice-box to make you shut up!

BUTCH: I told you, it's a cold!

CASSIDY: Well then buy yourself some lozenges and shut up!  HURRY UP PEOPLE!!!  PAY FOR YOUR GODDAMN GROCERIES AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!

BUTCH: You really have no patience, sis.

CASSIDY: What are you talking about?!  I do too have patience!  HEY!!  DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO COUNT CHANGE, YOU ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DROP-OUT?!?!!

BUTCH: I wanna' go back to jail…

CASSIDY: Butch, what are you whining about _now?  HEY!  Isn't that Jesse over there?!_

BUTCH: Uh…huh?  Where?

CASSIDY: _There, you buffoon, right there!!_

BUTCH: Where, Cassidy?  I don't see her.

CASSIDY: You moron, she's RIGHT THERE!!  The only long-haired redhead wearing a Team Rocket Elite uniform in the whole damn store!!

BUTCH: Oh, you mean the one choking that cashier over there?  _Now I see her._

CASSIDY: AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

**(At the other register…)**

JESSE: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CREDIT CARD WON'T COMPUTE?!?!!  OF COURSE IT WILL COMPUTE!!!  YOU WILL _MAKE IT COMPUTE, DAMNIT!!!!!!_

CASHIER: (seeing stars) …y-y-yes, ma'am…!!!  …I'm…trying…!!!

JESSE: TRY HARDER!!!!!

**(Back with Team: Butch Cassidy…)**

BUTCH: (sarcastic) Now where have I seen violence like that before…?

CASSIDY: (shaking him violently) Don't just stand there!!  Get over there and intercept her before she can leave the store!!

BUTCH: Aw, why do _I have to?_

CASSIDY: Because I have to pay for the groceries, duh!

BUTCH: (whining) But Cass, I'm beat!  I still have jet-lag from the trip here and we haven't eaten for days!  Can't we just go home and sleep for a week and then get our revenge?

CASSIDY: No, because I want it now!

BUTCH: Figures…

CASSIDY: Revenge is a dish best served hot, Butch!

BUTCH: Actually, sis, the phrase goes, "Revenge is a dish best served cold", meaning we should wait.

CASSIDY: Don't correct me, damnit!  Besides, what kind of moron would say that?  No dish is best served cold—that's what microwaves are for!

BUTCH: Well…perhaps it's a nice potato salad.  Or maybe a pasta salad with—

CASSIDY: Would you shut up with the food analogies already?!  I want revenge, not lunch!

BUTCH: Well _I could really go for some lunch…_

**(She hits him with the Cosmopolitan)**

BUTCH: OW!!

CASSIDY: Do I need to hit you again?!

BUTCH: (grumbling) You were never this abusive before we were deported…

CASSIDY: BUTCH!!

BUTCH: Okay, okay!  I'm going!  (pause) Hey, wasn't she just over there a minute ago?

CASSIDY: Oh shit, Butch!  This is all your fault!  (hits him with the magazine again)

BUTCH: We can always get her some other time.

CASSIDY: I hate you.

BUTCH: No you don't.  That's just the jet-lag talking.

**(Cassidy rams him over with the cart)**

BUTCH: Guess not…(groan)

CASSIDY: Hey, where'd the saltines go?!

**Scene IV**

**(Back at Meowth's Bomb shelter/Secret Lab)**

NEKO: Cool!  And you made it with just a tin can and an old hairdryer?

JAMES: Don't forget the duct tape!

MEOWTH: Dat's right.  (proud) Pretty ingenious, huh?

JAMES & NEKO: (sweat drop) Uh…

JAMES: Does it really work?

MEOWTH: (sweat drop) Uh, I don't know…

**(James and Neko face fault)**

NEKO: (recovering herself) You mean, you haven't even tried it yet?!

JAMES: Somehow I'm not quite so impressed anymore.

MEOWTH: Hey!  It'll work!  I just haven't tried it yet!

NEKO: Well let's try it now then!

JAMES: Cool, a real time machine!  I want to go see the dinosaurs!

NEKO: No, let's go to the future and scare ourselves!  (making creepy faces) I am the Ghost of Villains' Past, MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

MEOWTH: (dryly) Youse two 'ave got da brain capacity of five-year-olds.

NEKO: (lofty) Correction!  We have the _mentality of five-year-olds!_

JAMES: (jumping up and down) Can we go now, can we go now?!  I wanna' see the dinosaurs!

MEOWTH: Oh boy…Yeah, yeah!  Let's get goin'.

NEKO: Okay!  What's the spatula for?

MEOWTH: Keepin' morons away from da controls.  (starts hitting James with the spatula)

JAMES: OW, OW!!  I wasn't going to touch anything, I swear!!

**(Meowth turns on the time machine.  Suddenly they find themselves in a strange, indoor garden full of floating pillows)**

NEKO: Nifty floating pillows!  We must be in the future!  (jumps on a pillow)

VOICE: Ha!  My dimensional vortex worked!

**(The three finally notice a short woman with long red hair sitting on a floating pillow across the room.  The woman hops down from the pillow, clapping her hands together happily)**

LADY: I knew it would work after I worked out a few of the bugs!

MEOWTH: Who da hell are you?

LADY: Call me Little Washu—greatest scientist in the universe!  (laughs insanely)

NEKO: (whispering) She must be one of those mad scientists.

WASHU: Affirmative, girlie!

JAMES: Where are the dinosaurs?

ALFRED: Oh God…

JAMES: Hey, the butler came with!  (hugs the butler) Make us ice cream sundaes!

MEOWTH: Okay, so it's not a time machine.  Now it's a—what did ya call it?

WASHU: A dimensional vortex.

MEOWTH: Yeah.  Dat.  Well, dat sounds like somethin'  dat'll make big bucks…(gets dollar and yen signs in his eyes)  Now I just gotta' get back home from…hey, where da hell are we?

WASHU: My dimension, of course.

MEOWTH: What dimension is dat?

WASHU: I have no idea.

MEOWTH: Dat's not helpful.

WASHU: I guess not.

JAMES: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!

MEOWTH: What happened ta him?

NEKO: He burnt himself on the hairdryer.

MEOWTH: We gotta' get outta' here.

NEKO: Yeah.

WASHU: Do you have to?  I've never seen a talking cat before—couldn't you stay a little longer so I could do some tests on you?

MEOWTH: Agh, no way!!

WASHU: Just a little probing?

MEOWTH: (shaking his invention) How does dis thing work again?!

NEKO: Um, you push the 'On' button, Meowth.

MEOWTH: I knew dat.

NEKO: Obviously you didn't.

MEOWTH: Agree with me or I'll swat you with my spatula.

**(Suddenly they're back in Meowth's lab)**

NEKO: Let's never do that again.

JAMES: I hate time machines.

MEOWTH: I told you not ta touch it.

JAMES: Do you have any burn ointment?

MEOWTH: (sigh) Guess inventin' somethin' won't make me rich!  What a waste!  (throws the time machine in a corner)

NEKO: Waste of what?  A tin can and a fried hairdryer?

MEOWTH: Duct tape.  Dat stuff's so expensive.

JAMES: Would somebody find me some burn ointment please?!

NEKO: Well it wasn't a waste of mental power, that's for sure.

MEOWTH: Are you insultin' my invention?!

JAMES: Hey, where's Alfred?

**(Back in Washu's lab…)**

WASHU: (sigh) All that time and expensive high-quality parts and all it took was a rusty tin can, an old hairdryer and some duct tape.  (sigh) What a waste.  Hey, Alfred!  Is that ice cream sundae done yet?

ALFRED: (eye roll) Oh God…

**Scene V**

**(Night.  Jesse and James are sitting on the porch steps.  Jesse is putting ointment on James' burnt hand)**

JAMES: Ow, ow!  Jesse, it burns!

JESSE: Oh, don't be such a woos!

JAMES: (bites his lip) …mmm…!!

JESSE: See?  You can be brave.

JAMES: Don't be mean.

JESSE: Okay, I won't.

JAMES: …I wonder if Batman will be mad that I lost his butler in another dimension.

JESSE: He's a nice guy—he'll understand.

JAMES: I guess…

JESSE: (pats his bandaged hand) There, all done.

JAMES: Good.  My lip was starting to hurt.

JESSE: (grins and kisses him) Better?

JAMES: (smiles) Yeah.  (frowning) No, no—it still hurts.

JESSE: (shoves him playfully) Do you want us to get caught?

JAMES: (frown) Why does it matter?

JESSE: Because…it does.

JAMES: (hurt) Oh.  Okay.

JESSE: Now what's wrong?

JAMES: Nothing.  I'm fine.  (changing the subject)  So, did you have a good day?

JESSE: If you call fighting over produce fun.

JAMES: Depends on the produce.

JESSE: Sometimes you really worry me, you know.

JAMES: And sometimes you really puzzle me.

JESSE: That must be what makes us get along so well.  (leans her head on his shoulder)  Hmmm…

JAMES: (surprised) I thought you didn't want anyone to suspect anything?

JESSE: And what's so suspicious about leaning on my best friend's shoulder and watching the stars? (mischievous grin)

JAMES: And that is exactly how you puzzle me.  (wraps his arm around her and leans his head on hers)

JESSE: Tomorrow we can spend the day together.

JAMES: Alone?

JESSE: Of course.

**(The two stare at the stars for awhile)**

…

JESSE: Help me think of a scam to get everyone out of the house.

JAMES: Already on it.

**END EPISODE SEVEN**


	9. The JJRN Special, Part I: Operation Evac...

(7/25/00—7/26/00) **The JJRN Special—Part I: Operation Evacuation**

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

EVIL BEAR-MON

Jesse & James' POKÉMON

GASTLY

LESBIAN SEAGULL

BUTCH

CASSIDY

GIOVANNI

Giovanni's PERSIAN

a Smash Bros. game for N64

and some Hot Wheels cars

**Scene I**

**(Breakfast time; the hideout's kitchen [with it's new table]****)**

JESSE: Who ate the last Toaster Strudel?

NEKO: We had Toaster Strudels?!  Damnit!  (throws her toast in the garbage angrily)

GALAXIA: I didn't eat the last Toaster Strudel.  But I ate one.

JESSE: So who ate the last one?!

MEOWTH: Maybe it got stolen.

JESSE: Of course it was stolen!  It was mine and somebody ate it!

GALAXIA: She's really obsessing over that Toaster Strudel.

NEKO: Well what do you expect?  It's a Toaster Strudel, not a Pop-Tart, for Christ's sake!

E. BEAR: Evil?

JESSE: No, I do not want a Pop-Tart!  I want a Toaster Strudel!  Pop-Tarts are for school children and woosies, Toaster Strudels are for adults and hard-core criminals!

NEKO: Do you think the Pillsbury Doughboy's an adult or a hard-core criminal?

GALAXIA: Probably the latter, what with all the 'woo-hooing' and breaking into people's houses.

MEOWTH: Now I'm very confused 'cuz James eats Pop-Tarts _and Toaster Strudels._

NEKO: Maybe he's a hardcore criminal school-boy.

GALAXIA: With a fake I.D.

MEOWTH: And we all know he's a woosie.

E. BEAR: Evil, eviiil?

MEOWTH: Well you're just a talkin' bear thing so you can eat whatever da hell you want.

JESSE: Oh, never mind about my Toaster Strudel!  I guess I just won't have any breakfast.

NEKO: Don't get so crabby.  You can have my toast.

JESSE: Eew, I don't want you're toast!  Besides, this way I can stay slim.

GALAXIA: Well that's looking on the bright side.

JESSE: And speaking of James, where is he?

NEKO: I don't hear the TV on so he must still be asleep.

GALAXIA: Everyone knows there's no good cartoons on on Sundays!

JESSE: Still sleeping?!  Aaaargh, it's almost ten-thirty!

NEKO: (defensive) Hey, what's wrong with that?!

JESSE: It's none of you're business what's wrong with that!  (walks off)

GALAXIA: Where are you going?

JESSE: Upstairs.  Stop bothering me!

NEKO: (to Galaxia) I think she needs some Midol more than a Toaster Strudel…

JESSE: What was that?

NEKO: Nothing!

**(Jesse goes upstairs to James' room)**

JESSE: (slamming the door open)  HEY JAMES—WAKE UP!!!

JAMES: (shooting out of bed) YAAAGH!!!

JESSE: (sweetly) Oh, you're awake.

JAMES: What?

JESSE: (sigh) Never mind.

JAMES: What?!

JESSE: (throws some clothes at him) Now get dressed!  We've got work to do!

JAMES: (burying himself under the covers) Can't I just sleep some more?

JESSE: (mock pouting) James, how could you forget?  You're so heartless!

JAMES: Forget what?  (jumps up) Is it your birthday already?!

JESSE: Um, no—I mean, yes!  (pretending to cry) James, how could you forget my birthday?!

JAMES: Um, I didn't forget I just…I was going to surprise you.  Yeah!  A surprise!

JESSE: (losing the tears) James, you are the biggest liar.  Now get up and get dressed.

JAMES: It's not your birthday, is it?

JESSE: Nope.

JAMES: Damn.  (tries to stand up but gets tangled in his covers and falls over instead)  Um, Jesse, what was it we were going to do today, anyway?

JESSE: James, we came up with this last night—how could you forget?!

JAMES: Um…

JESSE: Oh, never mind.  We were going to trick everyone out of the house so we could—

JAMES: …spend the day together.  Okay, now I remember.

JESSE: At least you didn't completely forget.

JAMES: You act as if I'm stupid or something.

**(Jesse hastily leaves the room)**

JAMES: Fine!  Think that way!  (pause) How the hell did I get this tangled in my sheets?  (struggles to get out of his tangled covers)

**Scene II**

**(Neko and Galaxia are playing N64 in the living room)**

GALAXIA: Arrrgh!!  Neko, stop using Jigglypuff—you always use Jigglypuff!

NEKO: Of course I always use Jigglypuff!  Jigglypuff always kicks your ass!

**(Neko's Jigglypuff beats the crap out of Galaxia's Link then kick's him off a cliff)**

GALAXIA: You bitch!  Stop doing that!

NEKO: (evil laughter)

GALAXIA: And that!!  It's so annoying!!

NEKO: Only because I'm totally whooping you!

**(Galaxia's Link gets a lightsaber and tries to hit Neko's Jigglypuff with it but Jigglypuff jumps away, sings Link asleep and kicks him off a cliff)**

GALAXIA: STOP KICKING ME OFF OF CLIFFS!!!!!!

NEKO: I love how Link helplessly kicks his little legs as he's falling into oblivion!

**(Jesse walks in)**

JESSE: Have you two seen James?

NEKO: Um, we heard some loud banging noises coming from his room and then a little while later we heard him in the kitchen raiding the refrigerator.

GALAXIA: Why do you keep on wanting to know where he is today, anyway?

JESSE: (blushing) Um, I, well…!

NEKO: (mischievous grin) Yeah, Jess.  You act as if you're hiding something…

GALAXIA: Hiding something?  Hiding what?

NEKO: Idiot!  (whacks Galaxia) Her and James have been—

**(Jesse hastily covers her mouth)**

JESSE: (nervous laughter) Oh Neko, you're so paranoid!  There's nothing going on between James and I!

NEKO: Mmmphff, mmphff!!

JESSE: Now you go back to playing your little game and I'm going to go…feed my Pokémon.

**(Jesse hurries off before Neko can say anything else)**

NEKO: Huh!  There's something going on and I'm gonna'—AAAAAGHH!!!  YOU'RE BEATING ME!!!

GALAXIA: You shouldn't have stopped paying attention!  Ha, ha sucker!

NEKO: No fair, there was interference!

GALAXIA: Oh, stop making excuses, cry baby.

NEKO: This is cheating!  I demand a re-match!

**(In the kitchen with James and Jesse)**

JAMES: (cheery) Hi Jesse!  What are you doing?

JESSE: Uh, feeding my Pokémon if anyone asks.

JAMES: You look really paranoid.  Are you afraid someone's going to see us together or something?

JESSE: Of course I don't!  That's silly!

JAMES: Then why are you hiding over there where Neko and Galaxia can't see you?

JESSE: Because I feel like it, okay!

JAMES: Whatever you say.  (takes a bite of his donut)  But you know, Jesse, we are partners and we are best friends so it's not exactly suspicious to see us talking to each other.

JESSE: (blink) Hmm, good point.  (stops hiding and sits down at the table with him)

JAMES: (smug) And you said I was stupid.

JESSE: No I didn't.

JAMES: Well you implied it!

JESSE: Whatever.

JAMES: So what exactly is this big plan of yours to get everyone out of the house?

JESSE: Not a big plan, more like lot's of little plans.  I give Galaxia money to go get Flareon fixed, you convince Neko-chan that there's a film festival going on in Pallet, we tell Meowth that the Black Ninja is still after him and that the only way to lose him is to lure him out of town, then we send Chan-saw and Evil Bear-mon to spy on Ash and friends and lock all the Pokémon up in their Pokéballs in the basement.

JAMES: That's a really extensive plan.

JESSE: You helped come up with it, you know.

JAMES: Oh yeah.

JESSE: Jeez, what did you drink last night?!

JAMES: (blank expression) I don't know.

JESSE: Now hurry up and eat so we can start our plan.

JAMES: I'm done eating.

JESSE: Then let's start our plan!  It's quarter after eleven!

JAMES: You're so impatient.

JESSE: Deal with it.

JAMES: (sigh) I have for a long time.

NEKO: (poking her head around the doorway) What are you two up to in here?

J & J: Nothing!

NEKO: Riiiiight.

GALAXIA: They looked like they were doing nothing to me.

NEKO: Oh, shut up!  You're ruining my theory!

GALAXIA: Well you're theory's stupid.

NEKO: Why must you annoy me?

JAMES: What theory?

JESSE: (nervous laughter) Oh, Neko-chan, there you go again, jumping to conclusions!  We were only talking!

GALAXIA: See, that's not suspicious!

NEKO: Oh, shut up!

JAMES: What theory?

JESSE: (sidling up to Galaxia) Galaxia!  I was thinking, and because you're such a _good friend, I decided to loan you the money for Flareon's operation!  (hands her some cash)_

GALAXIA: Really?

NEKO: Wow, she must really be desperate to get that thing fixed—Jesse never borrows _anyone money!_

JAMES: (jealous) Not even me…

GALAXIA: Gee, Jesse, thanks!  That's really nice of you!

JESSE: (sweetly) Oh, it's nothing!  (hugs Galaxia happily) Anything for my best friend!

JAMES: (turning red) WHAT?!?!!

NEKO: (dryly) Am I the only one not falling for this?

JAMES: (steaming) _Jeeee-seeee…!!  I thought __I was your best—_

JESSE: (quickly covers his mouth) Quiet, James!  This is part of my plan!

JAMES: (scowls darkly) Grrr…

JESSE: (elbows him roughly) Now do your part!

JAMES: (remembering) I almost forgot!  (turning to Neko excitedly) Neko-chan, you won't believe what I heard is going on in Pallet today!

NEKO: (suspicious) Yeah, what?

JAMES: Oh nothing…Just a film festival…

NEKO: (getting a gleam in her eyes) Really?

JAMES: (grins and nods) Uh-huh.  Including foreign films…

NEKO: (excited) A foreign film festival?!!  Why didn't you tell me before!  Ya-HOO!!  (quickly runs off for the bus station)  YESYESYESYESYES!!!!

GALAXIA: (running after her) Neko-chan, wait for me!  We can take the bus together!  Just let me get Flareon's Pokéball!!

**(Jesse and James watch the two go for a bit, slow mischievous grins spreading across their faces)**

JESSE: Well that was pretty easy.

JAMES: (smug) I knew Neko wouldn't be able to resist a film festival featuring foreign films.

JESSE: (cute grin) And it's a good thing, too!  (grabbing his arm) Come on!  Now we have to find the others!

JAMES: (scowling again) Hmmph!

JESSE: Now what's wrong?

JAMES: (turning away angrily) You told Galaxia _she was your best friend when you told me a long time ago that __I was your best friend!_

JESSE: (sigh) Oh, James, you can be such a kid sometimes…

JAMES: (hurt) Am I not your best friend anymore?

**(Jesse sighs again and rolls her eyes, then smiles and hugs him tightly)**

JESSE: Would you quit worrying!  I would never replace you!

JAMES: (brightening) Really?

JESSE: James, I was just trying to sucker her out of the house.

JAMES: So I'm still your best friend?

JESSE: (getting impatient) Yes, yes, you're still my best friend!  Now can we please get back to business?

JAMES: (grin) Okay!  Where's Meowth?

JESSE: (evil grin) That's more like it.

**Scene III**

**(Giovanni's office at Team Rocket Headquarters)**

GIOVANNI: (spinning around in his chair) Butch, Cassidy…

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (bowing) Yes, sir?

GIOVANNI: (grinning happily) How do you like my new Hot Wheel?!  Isn't it neato?

**(Pushes the little car around his desk a little, making 'vrooming' noises)**

CASSIDY: (sweat drops) Uh…

BUTCH: Ooh, Boss, I want one!  (clapping his hands together) Let me play with it, please?!

GIOVANNI: Get your own!  It's mine!

**(He hugs the car selfishly then quickly stashes it in a locked drawer full of other Hot Wheels and Pokémon figurines)**

BUTCH: Aww!

GIOVANNI: (serious again) Now.  What do you two want?  Make it quick because you have already tried my patience to the point of annoyance!

CASSIDY: (nervous) Yes, sir.  We're sorry, sir.  We promise to make up for our failures.

BUTCH: (pouting) It's all those meanies Jesse and James' faults, anyway…

GIOVANNI: (rolling his eyes) Get to the point, you two.

CASSIDY: (glaring at Butch) Yes, sir!  As I was about to say, we came to request that our next assignment be to help our fellow Team.

BUTCH: (getting fangs) WHAT?!?

GIOVANNI: WHAT?!?  Are you crazies?!  You hate them!!  They constantly screw up!!  They will completely destroy what's left of your reputations!!

BUTCH: I'M WITH THE BIG GUY, HERE!!!

GIOVANNI: (calming down) Cassidy, I must ask your reasons to ask for such a…an uncharacteristic assignment change.

BUTCH: Other than the fact that you've gone completely screwy!

CASSIDY: (smiling knowingly) Sir, you said the reason yourself—they are constantly screwing up.  And while we work on separate Teams, we are constantly sabotaging each other's work—_unintentionally, of course, sir.  Perhaps if we were to combine Teams, we could collectively succeed.  Their reputations and jobs would once again suite their Elite title, and Butch and I would regain your respect and perhaps…(humbling) a promotion to Elite as well?_

GIOVANNI: (looking thoughtful) Combining Teams?  Hmmm…the idea never crossed my mind.

BUTCH: (shocked) Good explanation.

GIOVANNI: (sighing) A clever idea, I must admit, Cassidy, but unfortunately, I can not grant you the assignment.

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (surprised) Huh?!

CASSIDY: But, sir, why?!  You said so yourself that it was a good idea!

GIOVANNI: (shrugging in dismissal) Because I pulled Team Rocket Elite off assignment.

CASSIDY: (getting fangs) You WHAT?!?!!

BUTCH: (pouting) _We never get vacations…_

GIOVANNI: (irritated) Consider Mexico your vacation!

BUTCH: But we didn't even get to sight-see!

CASSIDY: Sir, I don't understand!  I thought you were disgusted with Jess and James' performance!

GIOVANNI: I was.  That's why I pulled them off assignment.  (waving a hand in dismissal) They'd been on that stupid assignment for so long, I figured it was tiring them and ruining their work.  So I gave them time off to recover their Elite training.

CASSIDY: (dumbfounded) I can't believe this…!

BUTCH: I told you he favored them!  (pouting) This is discrimination!

GIOVANNI: You buffoon, this is a criminal organization, not a Wal-Mart team!

BUTCH: (looking over his contract) No wonder the health benefits suck.

GIOVANNI: THERE ARE NO HEALTH BENEFITS, YOU NIT-WIT!!!

BUTCH: That's why they suck.

CASSIDY: So that's it?  They get a vacation and we get a lecture about getting caught by the authorities?

GIOVANNI: I'm a crime lord, Cassidy.  I don't have to be fair.

BUTCH: Aww, nut-bunnies!

GIOVANNI: Quit whining, Butch!  It's irritating!

BUTCH: Sorry.

GIOVANNI: Now I gave you two your assignment!  Stop whining over, "But it's not fair, sir!" and, "We never get vacations, sir!" and get yourselves out there and make yourselves useful!

CASSIDY: (sweat dropping) Um, sir, about our assignment…

GIOVANNI: (glaring meaningfully) Do you want to be deported again?

CASSIDY: (smiling nervously) No, no, the assignment's fine, sir!  We're leaving!

**(Both hurry out of Giovanni's office)**

GIOVANNI: (pounding his fist on his desk) Those nit-wits really get on my nerves!  I hope they screw up again just so I can fire them!  …Not that I _need a reason to fire them…  (calms down) Now where was I?_

PERSIAN: Mrrrow?

GIOVANNI: (cheery) Ah, yes!

**(Opens up his toy drawer and lines all of his Hot Wheels up on his desk)**

It's the Indy 500 and the racers are pumped with excitement!  All odds are on Speed Racer, in his bright new racer!  The referee waves the flag!  And…THEY'RE OFF!!

**(He pushes all the cars across the desk with his arm, sending several off the edge)**

PERSIAN: MRROOOW!!!  (ducking flying cars)

GIOVANNI: Go, Speed, go!!

**(Speed's car crashes into the wall)**

**Scene IV**

**(Arbok is sulking on the front porch)**

***Pre-translated***

ARBOK: All those damned contract negotiations and I still never get to appear in the show!

DIRECTOR: Uh, Mr. Arbok, you are in the show.

ARBOK: We're filming?!  You buffoon, why didn't you tell me?!!

DIRECTOR: We want all of our actors to appear natural, Mr. Arbok.  In fact, half of the cast doesn't even know this is a show.

ARBOK: (dryly) I bet I know which half _that is…_

**(Both turn to watch Victreebell, Lickitung, and Gastly playing soccer with Weezing on the lawn)**

DIRECTOR: Yes, well, we don't need to burden them with that.

ARBOK: I agree with that one.

DIRECTOR: (looking at his watch) Okay, Mr. Arbok, your time's up.

ARBOK: What do you mean my time's up?

DIRECTOR: You're contract scene limit is up.  All right, crew!  Pan left!

ARBOK: Hey, come back here with that camera!!  Aaarrggh…Those stupid lawyers jilted me!!

**(Camera pans left to Jesse and James who have walked from around the back of the house)**

JAMES: Huh…Well he wasn't in his lab.

JESSE: No matter.  Let's get the Pokémon into their Pokéballs and then we can check for him in the house again.

JAMES: Good idea.  (pulls out his Pokéballs) Weezing!  Victreebell!  Back in your balls!

**(Sends Weezing and Victreebell back to their Pokéballs)**

JESSE: (calling back Lickitung) Hey, where's Arbok?

JAMES: There!  On the porch!

JESSE: Hey, Arbok, get back here!  Where do you think you're going?!  (runs after him) Come back here, damnit!

**(James calls back Neko's Gastly then runs after Jesse, who is busy tackling Arbok into his Pokéball)**

JAMES: Jeez, what got into Arbok?

JESSE: (panting) I don't know!  He's never been so upset about going into his Pokéball!  I really need to stop letting him have sugar.

JAMES: Well, that takes care of the Pokémon.  Now we just need to find Meowth.

JESSE: And Chan-saw and Evil Bear-mon.  I haven't seen either of them since this morning.

JAMES: Maybe they went with Neko to the film festival.

JESSE: You're probably right.  (runs into the house) Let's go check Meowth's room!

JAMES: This is taking longer than we thought!  (follows her)

JESSE: Well you shouldn't have slept in!

JAMES: (defensive) Everything's always _my fault!_

JESSE: Maybe if you used your brain more often instead of sleeping, eating, and playing those stupid video games all the time…!

JAMES: Jesse, we're on vacation!  What else am I suppose to do?

JESSE: (eyes wobbling) You could spend time with me…

JAMES: (blink) Huh?

**(And cue the sentimental music! …)**

JESSE: (sniff) You and Neko are always hanging out together these days.  I'm beginning to think you don't like me anymore!

JAMES: That's not true!

JESSE: Well the only time's you ever want to do anything with me are when you're bored!  Am I too boring for you or something?

JAMES: I didn't know you felt that way.  I thought _you didn't want to hang out with __me!_

JESSE: Really?

JAMES: Of course!  (hugs her) I'd never find you boring!

JESSE: Really, James?  I thought you were avoiding me or something.

JAMES: Well…I was a little mad that you didn't want us to be seen together…but I'm over that now.  (squeezes her again) Now are we going to get everyone out of the house so we can spend the day together or not?

JESSE: (smiles) Right!  (kisses him)  And I don't care _who saw that!_

**(Awe, just like 7th Heaven!  *gagging noises*  Back to the humor, quick!!)**

SEAGULL: Hi, you guys.

J & J: (surprised) AAAGH!!

JESSE: Where did you come from?!

SEAGULL: I just came to return your candles.  OH MY GOD, YOU JUST KISSED HIM!!!

JESSE: I did not!!

SEAGULL: That sure looked like a kiss to me!

JESSE: Okay.  So I kissed him!  But it was a friendly kiss anyway!

SEAGULL: That was not a friendly kiss!

JESSE: Yes it was!

SEAGULL: Like hell it was!  Don't tell me there wasn't tongue involved!

JESSE: (turning red) THERE WAS NO TONGUE!!  IT WAS TOTALLY INNOCENT!!

SEAGULL: Innocent?!  That looked like the beginning of a love scene in a movie!!  I think you just bent the censors backwards in a thirty-second time slot!!

JESSE: It was innocent!!  You're seeing things!!

SEAGULL: Hold on, I think you just made the directors of Casablanca green with envy…!

JAMES: (moan) Why me…?

JESSE: Would you get over it, you crack-head voodoo witch?!!  Besides, who said you could—

SEAGULL: Am I the only one who knows about this?  Oh boy, are Neko and Galaxia in for a surprise!

JESSE: Wait a second!!  You can't tell anyone about this!!  Wait, come back here!!  SEEEEAAAGULLL!!!!!

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	10. The JJRN Special, Part II: Out of the Ba...

(7/27/00—7/28/00) **The JJRN Special—Part II: Out of the Bag**

NEW CHARACTERS:

CHAN-SAW

NURSE John: Nurse Joy's brother (it doesn't matter which Nurse Joy)

a CHANSEY nurse

**Scene I**

**(We find Galaxia down at the PokéCenter)**

GALAXIA: Who are you?

NURSE: I'm Nurse John.

GALAXIA: You're a guy.

NURSE: Yes, I know.

GALAXIA: But you're a nurse?

NURSE: I'm a guy nurse.

GALAXIA: That's just wrong.

NURSE: Hey, we guys don't complain when you girls become construction workers and doctors.

GALAXIA: Actually, some do.  And I'm totally fine with the idea of guy nurses, but did you have to wear the skirt?

NURSE: You think it's too much?

GALAXIA: I'm very frightened by it, and guys in dresses usually don't frighten me because I happen to be very good friends with a professional cross-dresser.  Then again, he's never worn a frilly pink nurse's dress…  

NURSE: Yeah, I thought it was going a little overboard too but the manager here is really strict about uniform and this was the only one they've got.

GALAXIA: They should really be more prepared for the overthrow of sexual innuendoes.

NURSE: I agree.  So, how can I help you anyway?

GALAXIA: I don't remember.  (looks at the wad of cash in her hand) Oh, yeah!  I'd like to get my Flareon fixed!

NURSE: Oh, I see.  It been chasing your boyfriend?

GALAXIA: Something like that…(pulls out her Pokéball)  Exactly how long will it take?

NURSE: Only a couple hours, but we're going to have to keep her overnight.

GALAXIA: Overnight?!  (pouts) Do you have to?

NURSE: 'Fraid so.  You wanna' say goodbye to her at all?

GALAXIA: (sigh) Alright.  Flareon, go!  (throws the Pokéball on the ground)

**(In a beam of red light, a Pokémon shoots out of the little ball, which bounces back into Galaxia's hand)**

NURSE: That's an awfully funny looking Flareon…

GALAXIA: Chan-saw?!

**(The large pink Pokémon blinks and looks around in confusion)**

CHAN-SAW: Chan?  Chan?

GALAXIA: Chan-saw, what were you doing in Flareon's Pokéball?!

CHAN-SAW: (confused) Sey!  Chansey, chan?!  (suddenly notices her chainsaw missing and bursts into tears)  SEEEYY!!!

GALAXIA: Stop crying—l can't understand a word you're saying!  How could this happen?!

NURSE: (confused) So do you want to get the Chansey fixed instead?

GALAXIA: No, I do not want to get the Chansey fixed, unless you mean fixed in the head that is!!  I want the Chansey to stop crying about it's stupid chainsaw and tell me what it's doing in my Flareon's Pokéball!!

CHAN-SAW: (still sobbing) Chansey!  (gasp) CHAAAAAN!!

GALAXIA: (stomping her foot angrily) Oh perfect!  Just perfect!

NURSE: You understand her?!

GALAXIA: (absentmindedly) Yeah, she said, "My chainsaw!  Flareon stuffed me in that stupid ball and stole my chainsaw!" and then she cried, "MY CHAINSAW!!" and went back to crying again.  (to herself) Now what am I supposed to do?!  I only have enough change for the bus ride home!  (starts crying as well)

NURSE: All that in, "Chansey chan"?

GALAXIA: (sobbing) It's a very condensed language…(bursts into tears)

**(One of the Pokémon Center's Chansey nurses wanders over)**

CHANSEY: (concerned) Chansey?  Chansey chan?

CHAN-SAW: (sob) Seeey…!

CHANSEY: Sey!  Chansey!  (whips a chainsaw from behind her back and hands it to Chan-saw)

CHAN-SAW: Sey!  (hugs the chainsaw tightly)

CHANSEY: Chaaaan-SEY!

**(The Chansey puffs up her chest determinedly and gives Galaxia a few good double slaps across the face)**

GALAXIA: WAAA—(abruptly stops crying)  (blink) Thanks, I needed that.

CHANSEY: Chansey.  (walks off)

NURSE: (peering over the counter at her) Now what are you going to do?

GALAXIA: I have no idea…(slides to a dejected heap on the floor)

**Scene II**

**(Butch and Cassidy are hanging out at the phone booth in front of the PokéCenter, looking through the phone book)**

CASSIDY: They have to be in here!  I know their hideout's in this town, and I'm going to find it!

BUTCH: Maybe it's an unlisted number.

CASSIDY: (irritated)  Why on earth would it be—(blinks)  Just shut up, Butch!

BUTCH: Well Cassidy, not even Jesse and James would be stupid enough to list their phone number in the phone book because they're wanted criminals and that would just be stupid and besides—

**(Cassidy smashed the phone book over his head)**

CASSIDY: I told you not to correct me!

BUTCH: I think I'm going to stop, it's becoming painful…

CASSIDY: (huffy) Now what the hell are we going to do?

BUTCH: Why are you trying to find them anyway, Cassidy?  The Boss said they're off assignment and that we couldn't work with them anyway.

CASSIDY: You fool, I don't want to work with them, I want to—well, I don't exactly know what I want to do to them, but it's not going to be nice!!  (grabs Butch by the collar)  Did you really believe that load of bull I fed the Boss?!

BUTCH: (pressing his index fingers together sheepishly) Well it _was very convincing…_

CASSIDY: (dropping him roughly) _Why must my partner be an imbecile?!!_

BUTCH: You're the one who requested we be partnered together.

CASSIDY: Aaaaarrrrgghh….!!  (poking him in the chest) Don't expect me to be so nice next time just 'cuz I'm your big sister!

BUTCH: (under his breath)  You've never been nice before so why would I expect anything to change?

**(Galaxia walks out of the PokéCenter, followed by Chan-saw)**

GALAXIA: I don't suppose you have any change for bus fare?

CHAN-SAW: (digs around in her egg pouch) Chan?  (pulls out some candy wrappers, bits of string, and a few pennies; shakes her head) Seey…

GALAXIA: (pouting angrily) Damnit!  (kicks the sidewalk angrily and sits down dejectedly on the curb)

CASSIDY: That girl looks familiar some how…

BUTCH: Hey, weren't you in a Kohl's catalogue?

GALAXIA: (looking up) Uh, no.  Hey, I know you!  (jumps up)  You're from Team Rocket!

CASSIDY: (suspicious)  And just why do you think that?

GALAXIA: Well, first of all, you're wearing your uniforms—

BUTCH: I think we forgot to change after meeting with the Boss, sis.

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch!

GALAXIA: …And second, I'm from Team Rocket too!  (lifts her shirt to show her uniform underneath)

BUTCH: Now _she remembered to change._

CASSIDY: I told you to shut up, Butch!  (curious) Girl, I don't recognize that uniform.

GALAXIA: I'm a cadet.  But you're Butch and Cassidy, aren't you?  The 2nd-class team?  (thoughtful) Weren't you deported?

BUTCH: (cheery) Yeah, we were and we just got—

**(Cassidy punches him angrily)**

CASSIDY: Don't brag about it, moron!!

GALAXIA: Boy, am I glad I ran into you two!  See, I've got a little bit of a problem.  I'm out of change and I needed to get home to pick up my Pokémon to take to the PokéCenter so maybe you could—

CASSIDY: I don't think so.

GALAXIA: Aw, come on!  Team Rocket always sticks together!

CASSIDY: (glaring at no one in particular) You don't know how wrong you are…

GALAXIA: I'll pay you back!  (begging) You're my last resort!  I'd ask Neko-chan, but she's in Pallet, and Jess and James-chan are still back at the hideout!  I really need your—

CASSIDY: (perking up) Did you say 'Jess and James'?!

GALAXIA: Um, yeah…

CASSIDY: (grabbing her by the collar) As in, the Jesse and James of Team Rocket Elite?!

GALAXIA: Yeah.  Jeez, you don't have to get all excited!  (pushes her hands away)  You know 'em?

CASSIDY: You could say that…

BUTCH: Cassidy's been trying to get a hold of them ever since—

**(Cassidy quickly covers his mouth)**

CASSIDY: Uh, what Butch is trying to say is that, Jess and James are old friends of ours and we haven't seen them for so long, so we'd be honored to come with you to pick up your Pokémon!

GALAXIA: Hey, that's great!  They'll be thrilled to see you!

CASSIDY: (mischievous grin) I'm just _furious with excitement to see them, too…!_

**Scene III**

**(Jesse and James are snuggling on the couch back at the hideout.  [Guys, please don't vomit]****)**

JESSE: (sigh) Finally!  Peace and quiet!

JAMES: We never did find Meowth, you know.

JESSE: Oh, he probably went to visit relatives or something.

JAMES: Meowth doesn't have relatives.

JESSE: Well he's gone and that's all that matters.

JAMES: We never found Chan-saw or Evil Bear-mon, either, Jess.

JESSE: James, stop worrying!  The house is empty.  What are you worried about?  That they're going to jump out from behind the couch and say "boo" or something?

JAMES: No, but I thought you would be.

SEAGULL: (jumping out from behind the couch) Boo.

JESSE: (irritated) Haven't you left yet?

SEAGULL: Why leave when I can stay and pester you?

JAMES: I was fine before, but now you're starting to piss _me off!_

**(Dives over the couch at Seagull)**

SEAGULL: (jumping out of the way) Fine, fine, I'm leaving!  Sheesh!  (walks out)

JESSE: Hey, you got rid of her, James-chan!  (blink; looks over the couch at him) James-chan?

JAMES: Ow…

JESSE: Oh brother…

**(Galaxia rushes into the room)**

GALAXIA: Guys, guys, have you seen Flareon?!

JESSE: What the hell are you doing back here?

GALAXIA: Well I got to the PokéCenter and Flareon wasn't in her Pokéball!  Somehow she got Chan-saw in there and now I have no idea where she is!

JESSE: (weep) My perfect plan…ruined…!

GALAXIA: What are you doing on the floor, James?

JAMES: Waiting to regain the feeling in my legs…(whimper)

GALAXIA: Jeez, Jesse, I told you to lay off abusing him!

JESSE: But I didn't—aw, never mind…

GALAXIA: Oh, by the way, I ran into some friends of yours at the PokéCenter!  I'm going to be outside looking for Flareon!  (runs off)

JAMES: Friends?  What friends?

JESSE: (groan) Great!  More people to get rid of!

CASSIDY: (walking into the room) Don't worry, we should be quick!

JESSE: CASSIDY?!

JAMES: BOTCH?!

BUTCH: Stop calling me that—it's Butch!!!

JAMES: They're both stupid names, what's the difference?

JESSE: How the hell did you get here?!  I thought you were deported!

CASSIDY: We were, but we found our way back.

BUTCH: We're kind of like cats.

CASSIDY: Butch, shut up!

BUTCH: Fine, we'll be like dogs if that's how you're gonna' be…

CASSIDY: Your little blonde friend led us here.

BUTCH: I swear I saw her in a Kohl's catalogue…

JESSE: That moron!!

JAMES: Guess we never told her about how Butch and Cassidy hated our guts and wanted to kill us, vice versa.

BUTCH: Tough luck.

JAMES: So now what?

BUTCH: We fight, we kill you, everything's peachy.

JAMES: That doesn't sound peachy to me!

BUTCH: Well you don't have to live with my sister when she's on a revenge hype.

JAMES: But I get killed!!

BUTCH: Believe me, you'd prefer death.

CASSIDY: BUTCH!!!  (whacks him over the head)

JESSE: And just how exactly do you think you are going to kill us?

JAMES: Yeah!  We've survived anything and everything!  We're like…invincible!

BUTCH: Really?  You mean like Superman?

CASSIDY: No, Superman can die, you moron!  (hits him) They're more like…the Incredible Hulk or something. 

JESSE: No, the Incredible Hulk's not invincible either.

BUTCH: Then who is?

JAMES: I can't think of any invincible super heroes right now.

JESSE: We can get back to this later.  Right now…LET'S RUN!!

JAMES: Good idea!

**(Both run off)**

CASSIDY: Hey, come back here!  We haven't killed you yet!

BUTCH: I don't think they want to die.

CASSIDY: Yes, I don't think they—(hits him) OF COURSE THEY DON'T WANT TO DIE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!!

**(Galaxia walks in)**

GALAXIA: Oh.  Where'd Jess and James go?  Did you guys get to talk to them?

BUTCH: They had some, uh, errands to do so they had to run…

GALAXIA: Oh well.  Well I still haven't found Flareon yet so you're going to have to get a ride back to town by yourselves.  Feel free to stop by anytime, though!

CASSIDY: Wait, you still have to pay us back for that bus ride!

GALAXIA: Well I don't have the money right now!  You're going to have to wait until I get my next paycheck.  Bye!  (runs off)

CASSIDY: AAAARRGH!!  THAT WAS THE LAST OF OUR MONEY!!!!

BUTCH: You mean we're stuck here?

CASSIDY: Yes, you dolt, we're stuck here!!  Unless you want to walk the three hours back to town!

BUTCH: No way!  I've still got a cold!  (sniffles a little and takes a lozenge)

CASSIDY: Well have you got a better idea?!

BUTCH: …  (long pause) …  Maybe it won't be so bad…

CASSIDY: (smacking her forehead) I really need some Prozac…!

**Scene IV**

**(Neko-chan's just getting off the bus from Pallet at the bus station)**

NEKO: Damnit, James!  There was _not a film festival!  (crumples up her bus ticket viciously)  Stupid waste of pocket change!!  (glares moodily at nothing in particular)  I need a latte and a Bavarian Bismarck, __bad…!_

**(Another bus pulls up and Jesse and James run off)**

NEKO: Speak of the devil…

JESSE: (panting) Do you think they followed us?!

JAMES: (panting as well) I think they're still in our living room!!

**(Neko calmly walks over and drop-kicks James to the ground)**

JAMES: OW!!  Hey!

JESSE: Neko-chan?!  What are you doing here?!

NEKO: (fuming) JAMES, YOU LIAR, THERE WAS NO FILM FESTIVAL!!  YOU OWE ME A BUS TICKET!!

JESSE: (dryly) Oh, so that's what you're doing here…

JAMES: Neko, it was an accident!  Maybe I read the date wrong!

NEKO: That was no accident!  You made the whole thing up so you could get everyone out of the house and have it all to yourselves so you two could play kissy-face because YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR!!

JESSE: (turning red) JEEZ, SAY IT LOUDER, WILL YA?!!

NEKO: (hands on hips) Well I'm right, aren't I?

SEAGULL: Yeah, you're right.  They are having an affair.

JESSE: Jesus Christ, you're everywhere!!  You just won't go away!!

SEAGULL: (licking an ice cream cone) I wanted to stick around and tell everyone your naughty little secret but it seems Neko already figured it out.

NEKO: (pointing at Jesse and James triumphantly) HA!!  I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!  I WAS RIGHT!!  I TOLD GALAXIA BUT SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!!  I'M A GENIUS!!  YOU GUYS REALLY SCREWED UP THIS TIME!!  HA HA HA HA HA!!!  (more psychotic laughter)  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!  (stops laughing) Hey, Seagull, where'd you get that ice cream cone?

SEAGULL: At that coffee shop over there.

NEKO: Ooh, a coffee shop!  (runs off giddily)

JESSE: (bitter) Oh yeah, send her to get _more caffeine!_

JAMES: All that trouble and they found out anyway, Jesse.  I told you it shouldn't matter.

JESSE: (turning on Seagull) What's your problem?!

SEAGULL: Nothing.  I just enjoy other peoples' pain.  (licks her ice cream cone)

JAMES: You're really twisted.

SEAGULL: Yeah, I know.

JAMES: Ever thought of going into the human torture business?

SEAGULL: Yeah, too much work.

JESSE: (sobbing) All I wanted was to spend the day alone with my boyfriend, but instead, everyone has to ruin it for me!  You catch us kissing and won't leave us alone, then Galaxia brings Butch and Cassidy to the hideout, who try to kill us, Neko ambushes us at the bus stop, then figures out we're having an affair and publicly humiliates us!  CAN'T I GET A BREAK?!?!!

SEAGULL: Just goes to show you, honesty's the best policy.

JESSE: You find pleasure in other peoples' misery, yet you spout morals?!!

SEAGULL: Let's just say I'm a mystery wrapped inside an enigma, wrapped inside a hypocrite.

JAMES: Wrapped inside an annoyance.

SEAGULL: You're mad too, aren't you?

JAMES: Don't make me show you how much.

**Scene V**

**(It's late evening.  Jesse and James are sitting on the roof of their hideout watching the stars, while everyone else is inside having a tequila party)**

JESSE: (sigh) So much for spending the day together.

JAMES: Oh well.  We can make up for it by spending the night together.

JESSE: (sly grin) You seem optimistic.

JAMES: (grin) Maybe.  Besides, now everyone knows about us anyway, so we don't have to sneak around anymore.  (puts his arm around her) We might just get that day together after all.

JESSE: So I guess I owe you an 'I told you so', huh?

JAMES: Uh-huh.

JESSE: Let's just say I'll give it to you later.  (leans her head on his shoulder)

JAMES: I'd say I like that prospect…(kisses her softly)

**(Inside…)**

NEKO: You know, I'm kinda' glad those two finally admitted their feelings for one another.

GALAXIA: Yeah, it makes livin' with them a lot more bearable!

SEAGULL: Well I don't live wit' 'em so I could care less!  Gimme dat bottle!

NEKO: Seagull, you're plastered!  I'm not giving you anymore booze!

SEAGULL: Like 'ell I'm plastered!  Gimme another tequila!

GALAXIA: Not the whole bottle, you drunk!

NEKO: Seagull, get back here!!

CHAN-SAW: Seey!!  (sneaks off with another bottle)

**(Back on the roof)**

JAMES: (pulling away from their kiss)  What do you think ever happened to Meowth and Evil Bear-mon?

JESSE: Oh, James, would you stop worrying about them and just relax!  I've been worrying over where everyone else is all day and now I just want to forget about them!

JAMES: I suppose you're right.  But I have the strangest feeling we're in for another crazy day tomorrow…

JESSE: (poking him in the chest gently) You stop worrying about having a crazy tomorrow and get your mind back to having a crazy night!  …

©©©

**END SEASON ONE**

**To be continued…**


End file.
